Wilfred: Please tell me that donkey faced thing with the braces is not the chick you're going out with.
Ryan: She doesn't have braces.
Wilfred: Yeah you just can't see 'em, because they're probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?

He says I won't be able to adjust to a new culture. Excuse me, but I was the one who was willing to live in the Valley.


What did you do with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place.

Ryan, what am I gonna do if you go to jail? You're the most important member of my pack. A pack protects its own.

You know what you should do? March on over to Mrs. Stevenson's house, and tell her the truth. Your neighbor's dog masterminded multiple break-ins and planted evidence on her child.

My friend, I feel great shame for accusing you unjustly. I will not sleep well tonight, but tomorrow during the day I'll take a long nap.

Mr. Patel

So long Andy. Let's see your black magic stop you from getting gang-stomped in Juvy.

Ryan: You know my name?
Trash Face: I know your social security number. You really need a shredder.

Gene: Who's a good boy?
Wilfred: I'm a good boy, obviously. You, on the other hand, hot dogs and potato salad? How many Weight Watchers points is that?

You can put your bake goods...up your anus.


Don't you see Ryan? If you don't go then they'll be even more suspicious. Next time it won't be eggs on your window, it will be Mrs. Patel's feces. And that's not me talking, that's still Mrs. Patel.

Ryan: Why would people assume that I'm the thief?
Wilfred: Really? You're still not getting this? You're the twitchy loner, the pasty neighborhood creep. And that's not me talking, that's Mrs. Patel.

Wilfred Season 1 Quotes

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!