You know what I say to people when they steal my lines? I say "Hey, hey, hey, it's Faaaaaat Albert!"

So you're no longer exclusively into Black love? Is that what you're trying to tell me?


Remember when I mauled that Black teenager's face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his face? No. I did it because I hoped it would help him go on to be the next Seal.

I don't want to cast a darker shadow on an already tragic day, but I think someone may have eaten part of Jeremy's brains.

Did you see The Bachelorette last night? Brutal.

That's how long you've been down in your basement playing a pointless game with your neighbor's dog and his, well, Bruce.

Wilfred: You're not me are ya?
Ryan: I don't know Wilfred. Am I?

Ryan, you're buried under a box of secrets with a talking dog in a basement that may not even exist.

I'm telling you I can feel it in my bones; the ones I chew on and the ones inside of me.

You asked her to move in with you? Are you high? Because you need to be.

Ryan: She makes me feel normal.
Wilfred: Oh and I don't?
Ryan: You're looting my kitchen dressed like one of the wolverines.

Why do you think no dogs died in the Holocaust? Because we knew it was coming.

Wilfred Season 2 Quotes

Wilfred: Do you know why dogs dig?
Ryan: Because they're searching for bones?
Wilfred: Because we're searching for truth.

It said "wake up," which is weird because I read somewhere that people can't read while they're dreaming.