This is all your fault. How come every time I follow you somewhere I lose my wallet?


You just put a footprint on the Mona Lisa. Did you see the swirl on that masterpiece? The form, the texture, the taper of pinch point? What do I bother? You don't know shit.

Ryan: What's that?
Wilfred: Baby food. Might as well get used to it. This is what it's gonna be like three months from now.

I'm such an idiot for not duct taping a pizza cutter to the end of Arturo's penis!

How many innocent babies have to survive before we put an end to this senseless nurturing?

Maybe I should take out a restraining order...from my pocket, to use as a bargaining chip to trade for my baby-getting stick.

How did you scale that giant wall? That's impossible. Are you secretly some sort of magical other worldly entity? Cause I'd tell you if I was.

It just keeps piling up, just like the brave, dead soldiers of the Babies R Us parking lot.

Ryan: I'm the worst brother ever.
Wilfred: Worst brother ever? Did you ever convince the other siblings in your litter to eat your own sister because she was born with no eyes? Cause I did that.

Jesus. This baby's gonna be God Damn adorable.

Do I have a spare dickfor? What's a dick for?

Ryan: You're at war with babies? Over what?
Wilfred: Why do any great civilizations go to war? To see who's cutest.

Wilfred Season 2 Quotes

Wilfred: Do you know why dogs dig?
Ryan: Because they're searching for bones?
Wilfred: Because we're searching for truth.

It said "wake up," which is weird because I read somewhere that people can't read while they're dreaming.