It's Phil's birthday and all he wants is an iPad. When all Claire got him was some lame BBQ tongs, she agrees to go wait in the Apple store in his place. However, after getting up at butt crack of dawn, she falls back asleep, only being woken up when the family comes down for breakfast. She sneaks away to the store, but it's too late, she comes home empty handed. She puts all of the kids on a mission to help her find an iPad.
Meanwhile, Cameron and Mitchell overhear what sounds like a guy's voice coming over the baby monitor. Cameron shows no hesitation and runs into Lily's room with a bat, while Mitchell slowly joins him... with a newspaper. Mitchell realizes he needs to step up his game now that he's a father and goes to Jay for lessons how to fight. Jay starts showing him Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu, but ends up knocking him out with a sleeper hold.
Cameron, however, keeps obsessing over the baby monitor and begins to spy on the other couple he can overhear. Originally, it sounds like the guy is cheating on the girl, but it turns out his late nights at work are actually learning Italian to speak to the woman's grandmother. When he overhears she plans on divorcing him next time he says he has to work late, Cameron intercepts the mailman to learn where they live and delivers the news, saving the marriage, but creeping out the people in the process.
Jay decides to buy Phil a nice chess set for his birthday, and challenges Manny to a game of chess. After Gloria tells Manny to to let sore-loser Jay win, he does, but Jay belittles him the next day. Manny bets him Jay's watch and then beats Jay. A sullen Jay then goes to play against Gloria, who apparently is also a master at chess and has been letting him win over the years. Just as she's about to beat him, the two of them decide to stop playing to save the marriage.
Back at the Dunphy's, Haley gets word of an iPad delivery and Claire rushes to the store. She forgets her wallet at home so calls Mitchell, who shows up in time. However, when a guy cuts in front of them at line, Mitchell decides to try out his new sleeper hold move. Although it fails at knocking the guy out, it does get them kicked off line. In the end, Luke pulls through and gets an iPad by telling one of Phil's Internet buddies that Phil is dying. The guy ends up dropping off an extra one. The family surprises a depressed Phil, who sulked at the batting cages trying to relieve an old childhood birthday, with a birthday cake video on the iPad. Quality.