When Randy goes to take the kids to KFC after soccer practice, they discover the fast food restaurant has been replaced by a medicinal marijuana dispensery. While the boys get angry, Randy gets curious and tries to buy, only to find out he needs a note from a doctor. After going to his physician, everything checks out, but he finds out he's too healthy for pot. You need to be sick, like with cancer, to qualify. Not ready to give up, Randy attempts to give himself cancer via tanning, processed foods, etc and eventually settles on sticking his balls by the microwave.
After coming down with a nasty case of testicular cancer and extremely enlarged balls, Randy proudly wheel barrows his balls into the marijuana shop and buys his first legal pot. When Randy's wheel barrow breaks, he discovers he can just bounce around on his balls to get around town. Soon his friends wants in, but Randy refuses to do something illegal like share his medical pot, so he encourages everyone else to give themselves testicular cancer.
Meanwhile, Cartman becomes obsessed with finding KFC, but soon discovers that because of new Colorado Fast Food laws, KFC is banned from all low income neighborhoods. Unfortunately, KFC was only in low income neighborhoods. Cartman soon joins a local mafia, lead by the same kid from the tooth fairy episode, Loogie, that has been importing KFC.
Cartman soon visits the Colonel to get a direct line in, but Cartman ends up eating most of the supply, even snorting it Cocaine style. Cartman soons ends up getting out of control and taking over the operation from Loogie, by telling his mother he missed a social studies assignment. In the end, Cartman runs off during a huge shoot out... over fried chicken.
Soon Randy and his idiot friends are bouncing around on their balls, smoking weed, until their balls become too enlarged to enter the marijuana store. Unfortunately, due to the laws, the owner cannot modify the building, nor sell the weed outside the wall, so they cannot buy.
The boys, bouncing on their balls, petition the law. In the end, they end up repealing the marijuana laws and fast food laws, deeming that the marijuana led to the increased crime, and the lack of KFC led to cancer. Yep. Only on South Park.