Two and a Half Men Season 3

"That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite"

Charlie and Mia try to make their wedding arrangements, but when things fall apart they settle on a small wedding in Vegas.

"Arguments for the Quickie"

Mia comes back to town for a performance, and at first Charlie refuses to go and tries to convince Alan he doesn't have feelings for her.

"Just Once With Aunt Sophie"

Jake gets invited to his first boy-girl party and Charlie and Alan give him advice to get ready and reminisce over their first boy-girl parties.

"And the Plot Moistens"

Alan and Judith meet with Jake's teacher to discuss his lack of interest in school. Alan ends up falling for Francine as a friend since he's so desperate for intelligent conversation with Kandi.

"Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro"

Alan tries to win back Kandi; Charlie ends up dating her mother Mandi; and Judith ends up with her father, Andy.

"Golly Moses, She's A Muffin"

Charlie is surprised to find out that Kandi has been living with Alan in his house for the past three weeks. Alan is having trouble getting Kandi a job and Charlie is going through a dry spell.

"The Spit-Covered Cobbler"

Alan is having financial troubles trying to pay Judith's alimony and his girlfriend Kandi's bills. Charlie tries to convince him to dump Kandi.

"The Unfortunate Little Schnauser"

When Charlie is nominated for a jingle award, he refuses to go since his rival always wins. His family manages to convince him to go. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie with her boyfriend problems.

"Ergo, The Booty Call"

Alan tries to decide whether he should bring his younger girlfriend, Kandi, to Jake's birthday party where she'd meet Judith. Meanwhile, Rose tries to get her boyfriend to dress and act more like Charlie.

"My Tongue is Meat"

When Mia tries to make Charlie healthier, he continues to sneak drinks, cigars and hamburgers behind her back. He needs to decide if he's in love or just whipped.

" Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded"

Charlie continues to attempt to sleep with his girlfriend, Mia, when a sex-craved ex-girlfriend of his, Kandi shows up and complicates things. Alan ends up dating her.

"Humiliation is a Visual Medium"

Charlie and Mia attempt to start a relationship that's not based on sex by not having any. Charlie makes an inappropriate suggestion involving other women.

"That Special Tug"

When Alan becomes insecure over the fact Jake doesn't want to spend time with him, Charlie begins seeing a therapist.

"Santa's Village of the Damned"

Alan starts dating a woman who has a Martha Stewart complex. Soon the woman has the whole house completely spotless.

"Something Salted and Twisted"

Charlie tries to help Alan get over his obsession of trying to get the approval from the women in his life.

"Madame and Her Special Friend"

One of Charlie's elderly neighbor tries to seduce Alan. Charlie tries to stop Jake from donating to a televangelist.

"That Voodoo That I Do Do"

Charlie convinces Jake to take ballet lessons in order to score a date with the hot teacher.

"Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop"

Charlie wakes up next to Rose after her birthday party. Her irate father (Martin Sheen), tries to find out Charlie's intention. Things get awkward when Charlie's mother shows up.

"Hi, Mr. Horned One"

Charlie begins to date a girl that Alan thinks may be some kind of witch. He continues to do so until threatens to put a curse on his manhood.

"We Called It Mr. Pinky"

Charlie finally realizes why he can't have a lasting relationship... his mother! Jake asks Charlie advice about a girl at school he's interested in.

"Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs"

Berta temporarily moves in with Charlie and Alan, causing a distressed Alan to find his own apartment.

"Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark"

Alan starts dating his ex-wife, Judith, again, and tries his hardest to prevent Jake from finding out.

"Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover"

After Jake gets suspended for drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class, Alan tries to fix things by going to see the principal. Meanwhile, Charlie watches over Alan's office after an all-nighter.

"Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts"

After falling off the roof, an injured Alan needs Charlie to help take care of Jake. Charlie is fine with it until it interferes with his social agenda.

Two and a Half Men
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Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Alan: You turned my business into a brothel.
Charlie: I thought you'd be happy. I didn't touch a single patient

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself