Evil
Sundays 10:00 PM on CBSEvil Quotes
Laura [taking a pouch from Andy]: It's pretty, Dad. What is it?
Andy: It's a gift for the best daughter that anybody could ever imagine.
Laura: You're the best, Daddy. I'm so glad you're home.
Leland: Noooo!
Sheryl: Leland, what the hell?!
Leland: Make it stop; make it stop. Make it shut up!
Sheryl: You can't just stuff a baby in a closet!
Leland: I can't do this anymore. It won't eat, it won't drink; all it does is shit and vomit. How can it shit so much and not eat anything?!
Sheryl: OK, get a grip! My God. How did men ever convince women that we're the emotional ones?
Sister Andrea [whispering]: Father, don't move.
Father Ignatius [annoyed]: What?
Sister Andrea [whispering]: You have something in your side.
Father Ignatius [highly annoyed]: I have nothing in my side. What are you talking about?
Sister Andrea [whispering]: You don't see it, Father. Something is weighing you down.
Leland [whining]: I tried everything! I tried driving around. Last night, on the floor, I made snow angels in its shit so it would shut up for 20 seconds!
Sheryl: First, stop whining, OK? Good. Second, we start in on the diapers, OK? Now, where's your changing table?
Leland: My what?
OK. A Black man, a White girl, and a Muslim hugging on the side of the road? We should go home before we get shot.
Ben
Kristen: I'm going nuts.
David: Why?
Kristen: This job!
Ben: So you're no longer going over to the dark side?
Kristen: What do you mean?
Ben: Well, a few months ago, you were throwing your hand in with God and going to church. Hm? Now what?
Kristen: You're right. I promised God that I would take the girls to mass every week if Andy came back alive. But all this talk of salvation, God, demons. It's just. It's just broken me. I know you see visions, David, but that is your truth and not mine.
David: Don't say "your truth." There's truth. There's no yours and mine.
Kristen: You see an elephant from one side; I see it from another. Neither of us is wrong.
David: Yes, but there is an elephant.
Kristen: Yeah, and if one of us were omniscient, we could insist on what the other person saw, but you can't determine what I see.
David: I'm not trying to!
Kristen: Ever since I gave up taking God and demons seriously, I've been happy. So why would I want to go back to a world that requires me to dress up my kids for mass or get a nun into my house to destroy demons?
David: Because it's true!
Have you ever thought this Dr. Boggs might be trying to get you hooked on drugs? Have you heard of Big Pharma?
Ben's Jinn
Sheryl: OK. Listen up, ladies. THAT is why I'm here. To bring down that mother fucker.
Leslie: Leland?
Sheryl: Yeah. He's out to destroy my family, my granddaughters, but I'm takin' him down first from the inside.
Leslie: How?
Sheryl: Organize. The six of us, we get the rest of the women in the office.
Leslie: Are you saying that we threaten to quit?
Sheryl: No, I'm saying that we take over—the women. We just take over.
See? That's the problem! Men take credit even when they don't deserve it; women share credit even when we do deserve it.
Sheryl
You know, conversations are supposed to make things clearer.
David
OK. You answered the werewolf question. Good job. Now answer the next one. Why are robots attacking us? That's a question I never thought I'd ask.
Father Ignatius
Leland: Will you promote her?
The Manager: No. She's a woman.
Leland: Give her something.
The Manager: Move her up to the executive floor. Put her in a corner office.
