Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 10: "Kissing Abraham Lincoln" Quotes
Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
I either drank too much, or got hit by a train
Charlie
Kandi: Want to have sex?
Alan: What?
Kandi: I'm horny, you're stressed, seems like we both benefit
Charlie: We had fun last night in bed, eh?
Lydia: Oh, terrific! What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: That explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln
Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
Charlie: Okay, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress
Charlie: Berta's the one who keeps this house running, and more important, she's kind of like family.
Lydia: She's rude, offensive, and vulgar.
Charlie: Okay, exactly like family
Lydia: Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline
Lydia: I hope you're proud of yourself.
Charlie: Well, I didn't wake up in my own vomit, so, yeah, kind of
Lydia: Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom?
Charlie: What for?
Lydia: 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.
Charlie: Why would I get a nasty... ohhh, you mean sex?
Lydia: Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow
Lydia: I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: I'm talking to Charlie. You don't mind do you?
Charlie: Mind, well I, uh...
Berta: You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Lydia: Well, that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over
Charlie: Morning.
Lydia: That was a great shower.
Charlie: Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you do going in.