Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: Giving you a wedgie... where's your underwear?
Charlie: I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass!

Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork & Mindy lunch box!
Charlie: Will you let that go?! By the way, if you think it through, we didn't have a dog.
Alan: What?
Charlie: Mom wanted me to make you lunch... I made ya lunch!

Alan: He gave me wedgies! From kindergarden on, I have gotten daily wedgies! My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college!
Charlie: At which point a long stick slid out

Charlie: So what should we do with Jake today?
Alan: I don't know. How about a barbecue?
Charlie: Gee, Alan, I don't know. The kid is delicious, but I think I'd prefer hamburgers

When we were kids, Charlie told his friends that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game

Alan [to Rose]

Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer

Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you

Charlie: Well, you know how women like you to go slow...
Alan: Really? My ex-wife put a premium on brevity. Her motto was "less is more and none is perfect"

Alan, let me give you a piece of advice. Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to


Charlie: When making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You

Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.