Evil
Sundays 10:00 PM on CBSEvil Season 1 Quotes
Renée: You know why I really think you called? Because you’re not over this. Because you said we should stay apart, but you’re the one who called me.
Acosta: Renée.
Renée: What is the other option here? You thought I was teasing you with my sister’s handwriting? How does that even make sense?
Townsend: In 1785, the king of France found that potatoes were the most economical way to feed the peasantry. The problem was peasants hated potatoes. So the kind has his servants build a big brick wall and behind it, he plants potatoes in his secret garden. The peasants grow curious and then upset. They climb over the wall and steal all the food planted there. And that’s how potatoes became a staple of the French peasantry.
Malindaz: What does that mean?
Townsend: The forbidden is always desirable.
Kristen: It’s from an internet video called Pudsy’s Christmas. It’s an edgier version of Charlie Brown.
Ben: It’s just a meme. It’ll be gone in a week.
Marx: You think it’s harmless?
Kristen: I do.
Marx: Then explain this.
Kristen: Emotions are contagious, so many believe it to be an extreme emotional contagion.
Marx: What stops it?
Kristen: Nothing. I mean nothing in Western medicine. It usually just dies out on its own after a few months.
Acosta: And it’s harmless?
Kristen: Well, there was a dancing plaque in 1518. Four hundred people in France couldn’t stop dancing. In fact, many of them died of starvation and heart attacks because they couldn’t stop.
Ben: Half the things you talk about just sound made up.
Santa got high, now everything is funny. Someone had a gummy, he thought he might try. His mouth is so dry, his teeth are kind of itchy. How’d he ever get so high? Ho ho ho, just the taste of a yummy gummy. Ho ho ho, yummy yum in my rummy tummy. Ho ho ho, gummy gum, tummy, funny gummy. Oh god everybody knows.
Pudsy’s Christmas
Sheryl: Oh, baby. Can I give you some grandmotherly advice?
Lexis: Uh-huh.
Sheryl: You take a brick, and you hit her in the face.
Lexis: What?
Sheryl: This is where it hurts the most: right here. You take something heavy, and you smack her right there. She bigger than you? Yeah, that’s good. She won’t expect it. Okay, here. Wrap your hand around this. She’ll think you’re just hitting her with your fist, but you really have the thrust of a rock. What’s her name again?
Lexis: Sammy.
Sheryl: Sammy’s going to bleed a little bit, but she’ll think it’s just from your fist. Then you just drop your arm down by your side like this and let it slip out, and people will never know you had a rock in there at all.
Lexis: I can’t.
Sheryl: Oh, sure you can sweetheart. I thought I couldn’t either, but you know what I found out? You either make 'em your bitch, or they make you theirs.
Renée: Do you have a jacket with that?
Kristen: With this? Yes, but not with me.
Renée: Can someone get it for you?
Kristen: Why?
Renée: I want you to look like a doctor.
Kristen: A jacket will make me look like a doctor?
Renée: Yes.
Judith: Did Ms. Harris prep you for this testimony?
Kristen: Yes.
Judith: And what did she say?
Kristen: She told me to be honest and concise.
Judith: And did she say anything about me?
Kristen: Yes, she told me that you hated your last name and wanted to take it out on the world.
Kristen: It’s exciting. You know how we always talked about not wanting to work in an office or knowing exactly what our day was gonna bring? This is that. I’m just always surprised.
Andy: I’m glad. Are you high?
Kristen: Yeah.
Andy: Is that part of the work too?
Renée: So the priesthood.
Acosta: Are you surprised?
Renée: That wasn’t your thing.
Acosta: It wasn’t your thing to be a church lawyer either.
Renée: My sister screwed us both up.
Acosta: She got you to promise too?
Renée: On her deathbed – The church needs you.
Acosta: She probably told everybody the same thing that last day.
Renée: That’s Julia for you: Always has to have the last word, even from the grave.
Acosta: Did you get a subpoena?
Kristen: No, but I probably will because they’ll use my testimony against you.
Acosta: That’s why I wanted to know how much we disagree.
Kristen: David, I’m sorry. Whatever we say right now, I will be asked about and they’ll want to know if we tried to get our story straight. That’ll make you look worse. So you need to be able to swear that we didn’t get our story straight. Right now, I can say that we talked. You asked if I was subpoenaed, and our conversation lasted exactly five minutes. If this goes any further, I’ll be under oath and have to admit to more.
Ben: You seemed so sane.
Vanessa: Thanks a lot.
Ben: Come on. What do you want me to do with this?
Vanessa: All beliefs look weird from the outside. You believe in quantum entanglement.
Ben: Yes, because it’s proven.
Vanessa: You have two different particles in two totally different locations, and they impact each other instantaneously at 10,000 times the speed of light. How is that possible?
Ben: Wait a minute. Are you seriously comparing quantum entanglement to you believing that your dead sister is grafted to your left side?
Vanessa: My right side.
