Favorite Ted Mosby Quotes
Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square
Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him!
Older Ted: Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."
Theater employee: Sir, you need to leave. Now.
Barney: This is outrageous. Who the kiss are you?!
Ted [to Stella in his dream encounter]: You picked the wrong guy.
Ted: You picked the wrong guy. You made a really, really, really bad choice. What were you thinking? That guy? Are you kidding me? Have you learned nothing in the last eight years? You're just gonna regret this. You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it because it's too late. All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life that will never be nearly as happy as the one you could have had with me. Good-bye.
Stella: Ted, wait.
Ted: Look, Stella, I am not here to win you back. I am here because I need to know that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life.
Stella: I know
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever
Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?
Barney: No Ted, brunch is not cool
Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?
Robin: It's pronounced Guy-el.
Gael: It means joyful. That is why I live my life joyfully, and give to others. Especially those less fortunate than I.
Ted: I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?
Hey hey hey hey, spiders got to die, so trees can grow.
Barney: I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.
Ted: You're talking about her boobs, right?
Barney: C. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?
He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man
'Twas the night before this one, and hours to kill
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
Nothing in this life quite compares to the sweet exhilaration of making your move. When you just put it all on the line and go for it.Ted voiceover
Oh my God, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond.
Barney: And stop shouting, you're scaring Cottontail.
Ted: You named the rabbit?
Barney: You took longer to get here than I thought, we bonded and I'm keeping her.