I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Dwight

Jim: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key.
Michael: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest-
Jim: We do.
Michael: - that none of us can be a part of-
Pam: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael: - then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim: That sounds fun.
Michael: So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
Dwight: Yeah, deal with it Pam!
Michael: So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.

Michael: Pam, really, they're back?
Pam: I can't see them when they're on the floor
Jim: They're for her to look at, Michael.
Michael: Can I have a word with you, Jim?
Jim: Yes, let's have a word.
Michael: Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry.
Michael: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
Jim: I understand that.
Dwight: So sexy it becomes hostile.
Michael: Mm-hmm.

Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.

Michael

Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. [takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side] They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. [Kevin groans]

Michael

So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too.

Kelly

Pam: This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances.
Jim: You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but...
Pam: Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?
Jim: Yeah...

Michael: Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?
Kevin: I miss Stacy.
Michael: Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting...
Kevin: I can't even imagine.

They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95 percent of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [realizing] Vending machine...

Pam

Phone Salesman: Hi.
Pam: Good morning, can I help you?
Phone Salesman: Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott.
Pam: I'm sorry, he's not in right now.
Phone Salesman: Really? He's never around when I come by.
Pam: Shoot.

This isn't one of your books, Castle!

Kate

Kate: Are you here to annoy me?
Castle: I'm here for the story.