Quotes
I like the way you call bullshit, Sasha.
Abraham
Don't shoot!! Sorry, I thought you were... Never mind.
Todd [to Melissa]
Scoops, Todd, really? She's not four years old! C'mon, think!
Phil
Phil: Look at this guy. Friggin' dip. How does it feel to be yesterday's news, huh? And I'm the hot topic. "This just in: Phil's worse than Tandy. Now over to the weather. Grey skies for that dong. Clear skies in Tandyville. Back to you, Bob. Thanks, Tabitha. In local news, no one cares what's in your friggin' house, ya jagweed." What's that in your house, ya friggin' jagweed?
Gail [about Phil 2]: What a turd. I think he's almost worse than Tandy.
Phil: Seriously, Gail? Almost worse than me? Thank you.
Phil: That friggin' dong.
Carol: Well, that's the dong that's going to get you back into this community. You should be kissing that dong.
Phil: Why should I be kissing that dong?! I should be friggin' punching that dong.
You want to know the most important thing I've learned being a Librarian? It's that there's a difference between doing what's best, and doing what's right.
Cassandra
Whatever happens next... remember that I chose to stay.
Cassandra
Magic is out there! More and more regular people are coming into contact with it. We can't just keep boxing it up and pretending it's swamp gas!
Eve
Mindy the Cheerleader: I still don't get why Peter left, though. Oh! Maybe he found where the volleyball team ended up after that away game. All we found was a bus full of empty clothes. Great prank, huh?
Cassandra: Prank, terrifying conundrum...
Jake: And by the way, it is infested with spiders!
Jenkins: Ah, well, spiders are our garden friends, Mr. Stone.
Jake: Jenkins... they're three feet long.
Jenkins: ...Ah. I see. I'll order some bug spray.
I love putting my hands down my pants when I'm on drugs.
Cleveland