Desperate Housewives Season 2 Episode 18: "Everybody Says Don't" Quotes
(Susan and Karl walk in to find Edie standing beside Dr. Ron in the living room)
Susan: Well, I should go...
Edie: I'm not going to scream, or cry, or pound your faces in with a mallet, which, Lord knows, is my right. But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met! (turns to Dr. Ron) Do you have anything to add?
(Dr. Ron pauses, then removes the flowers from the vase on the table, and hands the vase to Edie)
Edie: Right! What the hell... (throws the vase at Karl and Susan, who duck and run)
(to Susan) Whatever - I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut!
Edie
(stripper comes over to Carlos and Gabrielle's table)
Stripper: (to Carlos) Hi... You want a lap dance?
Carlos: Uh... (long pause, looks at Gabrielle, who is glaring at him) No... thanks...
Peter: I have this rule - plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, then I can move on to a pet, and if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.
Bree: (laughs)So how are you doing?
Peter: I'm on my fourth ficus.
Gabrielle: Oh! We missed it!
Libby: The kid slipped right out...
Nurse: Are you family?
Libby: They're the parents.
Lynette: Bree Van De Kamp and I have known each other a long time. I trust her completely. She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic mother. She puts the rest of us to shame.
Andrew: She's lying! Are you gonna let her get away with this crap?!
Donna: Now come on!
Bree: Come on?! Where are we going?!
Donna: Hiking! There is nothing like it to take your mind off booze!
Gabrielle: So you think Bree punched Andrew in the face 'cause I don't!
Lynette: I don't either, but on the other hand, she spanked my kids, she lied about her drinking, and I once saw her bitchslap her mother-in-law. So I'm torn.
Gabrielle: Well I'm siding with Bree.
Libby: Oh come on Frank, you know you'll be a lousy father!
Frank: It's my kid! And I have the right to mess her up If I want to!
Susan: (opens the door to Karl and Edie) Hi! What's going on?
Edie walks in, past Susan, without saying a word
Karl: Edie wants to discuss our littledeception.
Susan: Exactly how ugly is this gonna get?
Edie: (shouts from the other room) How long does it take to shut a door?!
Edie: When naughty children misbehave, they know that they're gonna get punished. Don't they?
Karl: Punished?
Susan: At this point, I'd like to point out that, uh, it was Karl...who proposed.
Edie: Karl, you are gonna throw me...an elaborate wedding.
Karl: Yes, of course, anything baby... How elaborate?
Edie: Well, figure out exactly what it is that you could afford, and triple it! (to Susan) As for you...
Susan: Ok. Now remember, I'm broke.
Edie: I'm well aware of your church mouse status. I don't intend to lift a finger during the planning and execution of this crushingly expensive wedding.
Susan: No. No, of course not. And anything I can do to help, uh, you know, I would, I could help with the engagement party... How's that?
Edie: Well, I wasn't planning on inviting you. But, I will need a
bartender. Oh, oh, and, um, make sure you come in through the back door.
While Lynette is giving her deposition
Mr. Bormanis: Do you consider Mrs. Van De Kamp to have a drinking problem?
Lynette: No.
Mr. Bormanis: Then why did you line empty wine bottles up on her front stoop?
Lynette (chuckles): I was helping Bree with her recycling.
Mr. Bormanis: Do I need to remind you of the potential consequences of perjury?
Lynette: No, you don't. In fact, I hate liars (she looks straight at Andrew).
