Lily: Oh Robin, that's a really cute outfit.
Robin: Really? Thanks..
Lily: Yea, it has to go, I'm the bride and you can't look better than me

Marshall: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.
Clerk: Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!
Lily: Really!?
Clerk: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.
Lily: Oh, so can we see a judge?
Clerk: Absolutely!
Lily: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall: Why are you doing this to us?
Clerk: Because you're on ... Candid Camera!
Robin: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say...
Marshall: You know what, we get it.

Do you still wanna? That's like the lamest proposal ever!


Lily: Oh my God! These pancakes are delicious!
Marshall: Yes! Thank you. I learned how to cook while you were gone this summer.
Lily: Wow! Do you want to cook dinner tonight?
Marshall: Yeah, sure...How about pancakes?

Barney: She's got the..'Crazy Eyes'.
Ted: Dude...the eyes...they're CRAZY.
Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the 'Crazy Eyes'?
Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted: Nope, just pupils.
Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability

Carl: Hey, there's a call for Swarls Barkley. Swarls Barkley?
Robin [taking the phone]: Hey, Ted. No he's not here. Nice one though. Remember that one

Ted: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric; is it foreign or something?
Barney: is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted! It's Moroccan, actually.
Ted: Whoa...
[Carl interrupts from the bar]
Carl: I've got a phone call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
Barney: You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?

Ted [commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke]: Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out.
Marshall: You think?
Ted: Yea! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says Ted. No heart.
Barney: Mine says S..Sw...Swarley. How'd they get "Swarley" from 'Barney'? Who would ever be called Swarley?

Ted: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: ...Hey, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!

Lily [talking about Mr. Druthers]: He was mean. And that's why I took away his ball.
Ted: What's the ball have to do with anything?
Lily: Druthers have to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first but then he'd learn to stop being mean.
Robin: Hey guys, what's going on?
Ted: Lily stole my boss's baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Robin: Why? Was he being mean?

Ted: Lily, question for you, why did I find Mr. Druthers's baseball signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer?
Lily: That's easy, I took it.

Mr. Druthers: Oh my god! It's gone!
Ted: What? What's gone?
Mr. Druthers: My baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Ted: Well, It's gotta be around here some where..
Mr. Druthers: What do you think Ted? It just let itself out of it's plastic case and rolled away? Somebody stole it!
Ted: Well, better get back to these styrofoam trees.
Mr. Druthers: Who cares about the trees? It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.
Ted: Inspiring as always

How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Barney [on a note left to girl]: Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade--provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.
Resident: Barney... Who the hell is Barney?