Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a 10 year old alone for the weekend?
Barney: And your mom was perfect.

She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really wanna get into this girl's pants


Robin: I know what they were fighting about and it wasn't peanut butter.
Ted: I appreciate it, but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.
Robin: They were fighting because they didn't get the loan and it's all Lily's fault.
Ted: What?
Robin: Yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of Mount... Rushmore.

Ted: There was a fight here.
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Whenever Marshall and Lily have a big argument, they always leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment.
Robin: Oh, God, here we go. He had a detective club as a kid.
Ted: Uh, the Mosby Boys cracked a lot of big cases.
Robin: The Mosby Boys? You mean you and your sister?
Ted: We solved the mystery of the missing retainer.
Robin: Let me guess: it was in the garbage?
Ted: Why are you like this?

Robin: What the hell are you doing? You can't buy this place. Lily, you have a debt the size of Mount Waddington.
Lily: Waddington?
Robin: It's the tallest mountain in Canada. It's like 4000 metres high.
Lily: Meters?

Lily: Hi. My name is Lily, and I'm a shopaholic.
Robin: Hi, Lily. Oh, you guys don't do that here? Sorry. Proceed.
Lily: I buy designer clothes and accesories that I can't afford. I have fifteen credit cards and they're all maxed out. And nobody outside this room, not even my husband, knows and I feel terrible because all I want to do right now is ask you where you got those shoes, they're adorable!

Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassry that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily:... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby

Barney: I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.
Ted: You're talking about her boobs, right?
Barney: C. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?

Meg: Yeah, I thought I was gonna get married to my last boyfriend. Boy, did that guy have committment issues. That whole relationship? That's three weeks of my life I'll never get back.
Barney: Well, I love committment. I wish I could marry committment.

Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!"


BlahBlah: So, we know how Marshall and Lily met. Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
Robin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Barney and I are not together, no, no.
Barney: Really? Sixteen no's? Really?

Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!


How I Met Your Mother Season 3 Quotes

Barney: It's not possible! You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board!
Lily: How do you know?
Barney: Glad you asked, Lily. I have crafted a list of all vehicles, land-based, aquatic, and airborne, in which / on which it is possible to have sex. Of these 33, I have had sex in / on 31. Windsurfing board: not on the list. Oh, PS in order to hit 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.
Lily: To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.
Barney: This conversation never happened.

Barney: Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What uppppp?