Oh God. What is it? Smells like bouquet of horse penises.


Stan: I went ahead and got you some lunch.
Denise: Two beers??
Stan: Yeah. That's what I had for lunch.

Evie: Kevin, you expect us to believe us to believe that a baby did this to you?
Kevin: Yes.
Evie: But we don't.

Evie: So Aiden Braiden is feeding off of your affection. That means it sees Kevin as a threat to its food source.
Stan: Sounds like your normal asshole baby to me.

I just killed a guy! We were fighting, and he had a heart attack. He kicked my ass to death!


Shop owner: This stone symbolizes the life long entwining of soulmates.
Evie: Haha! I'm very bitter.

Leon: Evie! If I went and got some onion rings, would you want some?
Evie: Aha. Once we identify this handprint, we'll have our killer.
Leon: EVIE! Onion rings?

Evie: Stan, I think I may have killed someone.
Stan: You had me at 'killed.'
Evie: I had a dream...
Stan: Oh, you ruined it!

Evie: Oh! They found a long gray hair on the leather jacket and guess what was on the end of that!
Leon: Saltwater taffy.
Evie: What?
Leon: Paper clips.
Evie: No!
Leon: Chewing tobacco.
Evie: Why am I letting you guess?
Leon: Motor oil.
Evie: No. Neurotic flesh, like from a dead person.
Leon: Oh, so we're looking for a dead person who pushes people off of rooves and may or may not work at Jiffy Lube...

Evie: Hello?
Leon: It's Leon. There's been a murder. And someone tells me the thread count of these sheets is six, six, six.

Huckster: You know, I have an idea for a sparking wager.
Stan: Oh christ. I'll crawl right back into the goddamned hole.

Evie: It's girls' night. Denise and I are going to watch the season finale of The Fiance.
Stan: That's how you know marriage is sacred. They give it away as a prize on a game show.

Stan Against Evil Season 2 Quotes

Leon: The new sheriff is not a woman.
Stan: Well, we got that goin' for us. For a second I thought we were livin' in Europe!

Thadeus: Evelyn Barret. Unholy viper!
Evie: I am not the viper. YOU are!