Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 22: "That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother" Quotes
Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick
Alan [about his mother and Trudy's father]: Apparently your father mixed his heart medication with his Viagra, and they didn't want to waste the opportunity.
Trudy: So he's not coming?
Jake: How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?
Charlie: Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
Jake: How come?
Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman