Jake: Fruit? That's all you got, fruit?
Evelyn: Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?
Jake: Well, yeah, Frankenberries.
Evelyn: Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming I would have stocked up on crap.

And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch. No one's welcome here!


Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.

Jake: I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.

Alan: Stop going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Stop being so cheap and we'll talk about it!

Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Wait till he tries on the underwear I bought for him.

Charlie: What's that?
Alan: A decorative bowl. I thought it would be perfect to keep our keys in.
Charlie: Well, I don't like it. Take it back.
Alan: But it was on sale.
Charlie: I don't care if you got it free with a subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.

Alan: Decor? You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random crapola.

(describing Charlie's knick-knacks) The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters—add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants, you could open a T.G.I. Friday's!


Alan: What about this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?
Charlie: A girl gave me that, too.
Alan: Another great weekend?
Charlie: No, it was raining.

Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!

Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 7 Quotes

Charlie: You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid, flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty. They brighten up the whole room.
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union!"

Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.