Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony. Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives. Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon
Alan: Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up? Kandi: The big reason or all the little reasons? Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan. Alan: I know. Kandi: Like the way your toe nails grow all crazy. Alan: Right. Got it. Kandi: And your ear hair and your nose hair. And that one long hair on your back, yuck!