Oh, the horror, the horror! Where do I begin?

On last night's Real Housewives of Atlanta, Nene Leakes went to the plastic surgeon complaining about wanting her "happy" back. How? Downsize those boobs. Lipo the pooch (her belly not her Yorkie). And pinch up those nostrils while you're at it! 

We're introduced to Kim Zolciak's parents (yes she actually was not spawned from a Mattel plastic mold). They're a nice Italian couple who accuse Kim of trading family for fame since they no longer share those traditional Sunday dinners of yore.

But they LOVE Big Poppa. Who cares that their daughter was his mistress. He has moolah and apparently connections in the Catholic church. Whatever works.

Phaedra & Dwight invite Cynthia & 50-year-old Peter to the Steeplechase horse race.

Phaedra's "an equestrian" so it's only normal that she wear spiked heels and a low-rent Pucci sheath to the track. Looking like a "black Tammy Faye Baker and Willy Wonka" in their matching pink hats, Phaedra nearly passes out when she learns that 50-year-old Peter has FIVE kids! Phaedra wants a clean man like Apollo. 

Prison rape? That's cool. Kids?  Run for the hills.

Kim wants Kandi to write her next hit song. Now that she's a mega popstar, she tells Kandi her next single should be "The Ring Don't Mean A Thing" ... a title inspired my Nene's appearance on Jimmy Kimmel. Kandi's down but wants to get paid.

Sorry Kim, free ride's over.

Meanwhile, Sheree attends her new love interest's seminar. Tiy-E "The Love Doctor" Muhammed has written a book about why black women can't land any men. Sheree is called to sit at an informal panel where she learns she needs to let the man open the ketchup bottle for her and that she'll never meet a man at Payless.

And finally our eyes are singed forever when we get a gander at Phaedra's "high class" baby shower. Wearing what appears to be an entire bush of live rose buds on her head and counterfeit Swarovski crystals as eyeliner, she is the epitome of what Kandi describes as "boughetto", the combination of "bougie" and "ghetto."

Lisa Wu Hartwell makes an appearance and Phaedra nearly kills Kim for arriving late to her shower ... hatless no less! Did she not get the trumpeted invitation requesting high class attire to the queen's masquerade ball, er, shower. 

Kim, Kandi and Lisa are stunned speechless at the sight of the ballerinas twirling about and Dwight leading about-to-burst Phaedra in a waltz (Apollo refused to participate in this "girly" spectacle). After all, Phaedra IS an entertainment lawyer and she loves the arts... and herself... so why not have for your baby shower a demented version of "The Nutcracker" as directed by Baby Jane in the senior center. 

Oh the horror, the horror. Believe it or not, we're just getting started. Follow the link for much more analysis of The Real Housewives of Atlanta ...