We speculated earlier this week about whether this year's Glee Christmas episode would top "Extraordinary Merry Christmas." The answer, amazingly was a resounding "No."
If that wasn't an hour-long commercial for the Glee Vol. 3 holiday album, I don't know what was. Why couldn't this just have been an hour-long music special with the cast and characters singing songs and spouting pithy one-liners? Oh, wait.
Glee really should have quit for the season while it was ahead last week with "Swan Song."
"Glee, Actually" was completely all over the place, calling for the suspension of any and all disbelief regarding how absolutely everything in the real world works. And I'm not even talking about the opening 9-minute dream sequence which might have been the best part of the entire night simply for the fact that Kevin McHale got to ditch Artie's wheelchair and glasses and dance. Oh look, Rory the Leprechaun as the Ghost of Christmas Past!
Then we jumped to New York on Christmas Eve and the ridiculous outfit Rachel was wearing. Seriously, costuming department? She'd freeze her assets off. But Burt showed up and instantly improved anything dealing with New York... except he has prostate cancer. Because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like dropping that bombshell about a character we haven't seen all season.
And doesn't Blaine have family who would want him home on Christmas? I find the idea that his parents would just let Burt cart him off to New York for Christmas with Kurt preposterous. And then I remind myself that we have yet to meet Blaine and he lives in a cave-room with no windows and suddenly everything makes sense. He's Harry Potter.
That string of nonsense I just spouted makes about as much sense as this episode did.
The timeline was all over the place. We started at some random point in December, jumped to Christmas Eve, then Hanukkah (and Jake took a week off of school to go to L.A. with Puck). Suddenly it was firmly December 18th and Brittany and Sam decided get Mayan-married and then Beiste let them know their marriage was fake and she was just playing along with their shenanigans because she thinks they're sweet kids. But look, they wrote their own vows!
Sam: Brittany, I've always thought you were super hot and really smart, but what I didn't know was that you were going to end up being my soul mate. Who knows what the future holds for us. Probably tsunamis and horrible sea monsters. But I'm not worried about that because I have you.
Brittany: Sam, when you first joined the glee club, I didn't notice for a while. It wasn't until you did a Rich Little impression and then told me it was a Rich Little impression and then explained who Rich Little was that I knew you were special. And I can't tell you how excited I am to become your Mayan star-wife. | permalink
I. Can't. Even.
And yet? Not all of tonight sucked.
I don't hate that Marley's mom acknowledged her eating disorder and that there are plans to get the girl some help, nor did I hate Sue being all un-grinchy and bringing Christmas to the Rose home, if for no other reason than giving us the "Marley and me" line, which might be the best thing I've heard Sue say all season.
Millie: I wanted to say thank you for what you did for Marley and me.
Sue: I have no idea what you're talking about. I had nothing to do with the making of that film. | permalink
While there wasn't a romantic reunion for Kurt and Blaine, Blaine did sing the line "Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow" while he and Kurt were setting the table, so I'm sure someone somewhere is reading something into that in the land of Klaine-shippers. Keep hope alive? (That was a joke, you guys. There's a new man in town for Kurt when he starts his first semester at NYADA.)
The Glee music was also happy and peppy and it made me want to go buy the CD so I can play it on an endless loop in my living room from now until December 25th. Call me crazy, but I'm a sucker for a good rendition of "Feliz Navidad." I really did love every song from tonight.
But the best of the night Jake and Puck together. I love them. I've always loved Puck and Jacob Artist might be one of my favorite new voices right now. And it seems Puck is moving back to Lima, so we'll get more of Mark Salling's hotness on our screens in upcoming episodes. I hope. The two of them bringing their mothers together to be one dysfunctional family for the holidays, united by the fact that the same guy left them all was the best of the night.
If this review seems all over the place, it's only because I'm mimicking the episode we just watched, which was maybe in need of some attention deficit disorder medication and definitely in need of being axed for next season. If there is a next season.
What did you think of "Glee, Actually?" Do you hope Glee never, ever does a holiday episode again? Or did you actually enjoy this? What do you hope the second part of the season brings?
Miranda Wicker is a Staff Writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.