Dr. Cox: Say, that was some real Nancy Drew stuff, there...Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!
J.D.: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Cox: Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you are annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the middle weight annoyance crown.
J.D.: Well, you're the number one jealous...weight for the jealous weight... jealous ch-champ.
Carla: I have a couple of announcements. There's a serious problem around here with not getting to know our patients. Yes, the doctor told you to administer Halidol, but why is he prescribing it? Does the patient have a chance of sundowning or is he prone to psychotic breaks and needs to be tied down? You have to ask these questions, right Tammy?
Laverne: Child, we are swamped. Where you think we're gonna get that kind of time?
Carla: Laverne, if you care you'll go the extra mile. Like my husband. Turk?
Carla: You have three patients on the floor. What can you tell us about them?
Turk: Well, I'm cutting out that guy's appendix, I'm sewing up her lacerated spleen, and I'm slicing off that dude's foot.
Carla: Great. And why are you doing those things?
Turk: Because it says so on the charts... What'd I do?
Daisy: Here's your shirt, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Wow, Daisy! Enjoy your weekend, you little scrapper!
J.D.: Oh, Daisy, I'm supposed to ask you - can Lonnie have his lower lip back?
Daisy: It's my trophy.
Oh, God... Okay, I don't ask for much, just a little help with a stain every now and then. I'd like to be able to communicate with animals... But right now, oh boy, we need a miracle. Hibbleton - whatever that means - on three.Janitor
Laverne: Honey bear! You look blue. Have a cookie.
Carla: Nah-ah-ah, Laverne. No more jackin' up my man's blood sugar just so you can buy yourself a camper.
Turk: So this is all a big joke to you guys? 'Cause this is my life, and I don't think it's funny.
Laverne: Now I gotta try to get back in on that craps game in the basement.
J.D.: If you could just help me with these train wreck codes.
Dr. Cox: You're finally at that stage where you and your equally undistinguished colleagues have all had enough training to be able to help each other. So no matter how humiliating it may seem, if you know somebody who's better than you - and I'm bettin' that you do? - you had best tuck that ridiculously feminine tail of yours between your legs and go ask her for help. I'm thinkin' that's just about it. Yep. I, uh, gosh, I'm all out of speeches. I don't think I have, uh, another one on me. I... I don't. The- Oh. These are... my goodbye guns.
He "fires" his fingers in the air
J.D.: Those aren't real guns.
J.D.: I just, I don't know what to do when everything goes wrong at once. It's-it's-it's overwhelming.
Elliot: You wanna know what my big secret is? Just take one big breath. Everything will slow down and you can just tackle each thing as it comes.
J.D.: That's your big secret? Breathing?
Elliot: Why do you have such a problem with me teaching you stuff?
J.D.: It's just that you're a little smug.
Elliot: You called yourself Dr. Diagnosis and made me your side-kick.
Janitor: Hey, I'll, uh, join you for a cup of mud.
Elliot: Great! Meet me downstairs in five minutes.
Janitor: I'll be there. Just let me wash this, uh, glue off my hands.
J.D.: What was he gluing?
He picks his hands up off the keyboard, only to have it stick.
J.D.: Not again.
Carla: That high, baby? You've been sneaking brownies, haven't you? Well, don't think that when you go blind I'm gonna go get you no seeing-eye dog!
Turk: I'm gonna name him Gizmo.
J.D.: That's what we were gonna name our robot!
Turk: Oh, well, when we get the robot, we'll just name him TuPac.
J.D.: "TuPac, may I please have some waffles?" "Would you like some sy-rup?" Yeah, that'd be fine. It'll work. It's a good idea.
Elliot: J.D., you've been the golden boy around here for the past three years while I have cried in closets and hid from Dr. Cox and relied on you every single day to get me through it. I mean, now that I am finally doing well enough to pay you back, maybe you can tell me why you're being such an unbelievable jerk?
J.D.: Because you're the one that's supposed to struggle - not me.
Turk: Okay, fine, I'll try. One condition: Gimme some!
She "slaps" him just as Dr. Kelso and Ted approach
Ted: Oh my God!
Dr. Kelso: I think it, and she does it!
Doug: You know, I don't really like you guys playing with my cadavers.
Elliot: Oh, really, Doug? So how come that one over there has a soda in his hand?
Doug: He keeps it cold!
J.D.: And how come when we walked in you were sitting in a circle with three corpses playing Texas hold 'em?
Doug: Just call first from now on!