But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.


Barney: We both like scotch. We're both awesome.
Robin: Maybe that's the problem. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.
Barney: Yes. Two awesomes cancel each other out. I'm tired of being canceled out.

Alan Thicke: Lily? Sorry I'm late. I was looking for a van.
Ted: A van costs $25 more.

Robin: Neil Young is a Canadian treasure. DO NOT make fun of Neil Young.
Barney: Robin, I would never make fun of a defenseless old lady with vocal cord paralysis.

Lily: That's it. I'm coming out of retirement for one. Last. Breakup.
Ted and Marshall: YES!

You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.


Sorry Ted. I'm my own wing man tonight.


Barney: Open it open it open it open it! It's my porn collection. Wait, no it's not. That would be weird.
Ted: It's your porn collection.
Barney: It's my porn collection!

Marshall: What'd you get?
Lily: I got squat.
Marshall: What? I thought I saw you take one.
Lily: I did. It's called Squat.

There's never gonna be a golden ticket back into my life. I'll tolerate you for Jamie, but you're dead to me. The moment Keith died, you died.


Dan: Whiskey. Straight up.
Grubbs: I would've guessed blood.

Haley: He is the healthiest looking dying man I've ever seen.
Nathan: I guess evil does a body good.