Bookmobile Driver: How did you know I would strike here?
Officer Barbrady: By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist.
Bookmobile Driver: You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly!
Stan: What are you talking about, dude?
Bookmobile Driver: When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!
Kyle: So you f**ked a bunch of chickens?

Cartman: HA! (whacks the Bookmobile driver)
Bookmobile driver: Ow, that hurt!
Stan: Whoa dude! Cartman!
Officer Barbrady: No, that is not how you uphold the law!
Cartman: But he is not listening to my authoritah!
Officer Barbrady: Oh, you're doing it all wrong my little friend. You do it like this. (whacks the bookmobile driver in the head) You gotta get them in the head; they go down quicker.

Father Maxi: Who would have sex with a chicken?
Halfy: I would.
Mr. Garrison: Aw you couldn't screw anything Halfy, you don't have any legs.
Father Maxi: Have some respect for people's feelings, would you Halfy?

Darn it! What heck is wrong with you Barbrady? All you say is "Move along people nothing to see here" and "Case closed."

Man

Mr. Garrison: Yes officer, what is it?
Officer Barbrady: I need to go poopy.
Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady, we go to the bathroom before and after class.
Officer Barbrady: Aw Christ! How do you kids do it?

(on being told the "fast-food restaraunt" is actually a bank)
Officer Barbrady: Well I know that! What do you think I am? Stupid?
Teller: Yep.

Terrance: Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.
(They look across the street and Terrance's daughter is standing there.)
Phillip: Oh, look. There she is.

Terrance: What are you doing?
Scott: I am wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip: What?
Scott: I am giving you cancer with my mind.
Phillip: No, don't give me cancer!

Terrance: You are such a dick, Scott.
Scott: You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.
Scott: You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.
Scott: You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.
Scott: You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.

Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer. That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance! (Terrance farts. Both he and Phillip laugh)
Phillip: Oh, Terrance! You farted in court!
Terrance: Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense.

Celine Dion: Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?
Phillip: Because that's his name you stupid bitch!

Terrance: Wow! Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
(Terrance thinks)
Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not?