Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.

Schmidt

If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Jess

Ten years? You guys are like Bert and Ernie.

Jess

I wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head. He's like a...grumpy mystery.

Jess

What happened to guys in this bar? Did they open a bus station next door?

Jess

Just remember, you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.

Jess

When did you become a Bond villain who can't afford to not live with roommates?

Jess

Jess: This is where Nick Miller grew up.
Nick: Except for the fall of '88 and the spring of '89--that was our "van year."

Jess: I didn't really know your dad, except for that one hour when I committed fraud with him.
Nick: That's all there is to know.

Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or somethng?

Jess

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 35 in total

Zooey Deschanel Quotes

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

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