Jess: Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing.
Nick: That's the only thing in the world I know to be true.

Nick: I believe horses are from outer space--
Jess: I believe that, too!

Nick: You know so many "Spaceballs" quotes.
Jess: They jammed the radar with literal jam!

Jess: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom.
Nick: It's tiles...I'm so bad at lying! It's for sex!

Nick: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie "Titanic," he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Jess: What?!
Nick: Look it up. They're called Zane-iacs.

I'm having a party tonight and I can't have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat.

Jess

Winston: Schmidt, you can't move out! Who's gonna do my fades?!
Jess: Yeah, who's gonna do his fades?!

Schmidt, you stole my toothpaste while I was using it. That's vindictive.

Jess

Nick isn't even a man. He's some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day, I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail.

Jess

I call it a "Temple Grandin," because it makes me friendly and compassionate.

Jess

Nick doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, "Put on pants."

Jess
Displaying quotes 25 - 35 of 35 in total

Zooey Deschanel Quotes

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

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