The Bachelor

Mondays 8:00 PM on ABC
The bachelor
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Recap

Recap, as always, reprinted courtesy of ESPN's The Sports Gal ...

[Bill Simmons] made a top-10 list of revelations you should never bring up if you're trying to win over The Bachelor.

I thought it was funny so I'm passing it along. He's enjoying this show way too much. He calls it the "I have to tell you something ... " list. In other words, I have to tell you something …

  1. "I have herpes."
  2. "I have a kid."
  3. "I can't have kids."
  4. "I used to date (fill in any NBA player over 6-foot-3)."
  5. "Not only am I in a Girls Gone Wild video, I'm on the cover."
  6. "I can't legally come within 100 yards of my ex-boyfriend."
  7. "I lost my virginity to Joe Buck."
  8. "I don't really enjoy sex that much. I just don't get it."
  9. "When we meet my mom, just be prepared, she's a very heavy woman."
  10. "I'm divorced."

This list was created immediately after we found out that Bevin the Ankle Faker is divorced. She claims that she wanted to tell Andy Baldwin sooner, only she "never had a chance."

Suuuuuurrrrrrrre.

Once Bevin revealed this news to the camera, I quickly revised my final two for this season of The Bachelor. She's done and she knows it - I think she was in denial.

She's had this look on her face like she slept with her best friend's fiancée and has to tell her the night before the wedding. She's flipping out. During one scene, she told Amber Alchalabi that it bothers her that Andy is falling for multiple girls, especially ones who are 23 and haven't had enough "life experiences" to be ready for marriage.

I have to agree with Bevin here - when I was 23, I wasn't thinking about marriage, I was trying to figure out how to go out drinking for an entire weekend without paying for a single drink.

Then Bevin went too far and said she can't believe she's dating a guy who'd also date a 23-year-old girl at the same time. Well, duh! Amber Alchalabi is 23, you dummy!

Amber finally took it personally and said, "I have basically raised my brothers and sisters since I was 11, I cooked them dinner every single night, I'm way more mature than any other 23-year-old EVER."

I love her self-confidence! If only the 23-year-old Princess Di had been as mature as Amber the 23-year-old "Bachelor" contestant who cooked dinner for her siblings every night. Maybe things would have turned out differently.

Then they cut to Bevin talking to the cameras and getting her crazy on: "A guy that I'm dating right now is, like, dating so many other women … it totally makes me feel desperate … at my age, I feel ridiculous."

We wouldn't want someone currently in the market for a reality TV husband to seem desperate. I did feel a little bad for her until Bill pointed out, "Wait, 'at her age' she feels ridiculous? I thought she was only 28?"

A definite slipup by the Bev-ster! Only someone between 32-40 would play the "at my age" card. I think she's 34, Bill says 35. Either way, she's lying about her age and misleading Andy to think that she's never been married, plus she faked her ankle injury. Sorry Bev, you're so desperate, you should be moving to Wisteria Lane.

As for the rest of the show, Andy Baldwin had four dates:

1. A group date where he brought all the girls on his "yacht" and Bevin hijacked him for 20 minutes to go kayaking. I'm surprised she didn't try to drown herself so Andy could save her.

2. A one-on-one date with Stephanie the Gymnast/Bull Rider in which she couldn't answer questions like "What do you want to do with the rest of your life?" and "What are your dreams?" Maybe she was distracted by Andy's ugly jacket that Bill described as a safari version of the Masters jacket. Stephanie explained later, "I want to open up to him but I think I have more difficulty than the other girls in letting my guard down." Except when she's riding a vibrating bull in a crowded bar. Then she's fine.

3. A group date where Andy Baldwin, Bevin, Amber, Tina and Dead Boyfriend Girl rehabbed the Van Ness Elementary School's playground in four hours and pretended that ABC's crew didn't help them. This gave Andy an excuse to see his dates around children and ask them questions like "Um, you must like kids?" When the kids came out to play, Bill's theory that Andy is really the kid from "Big" gained steam when Andy said, "This is what I'm about - kids, and being a kid." See!

4. In a one-on-one date with The Bachelor, Tessa was given the "Pretty Woman" jewelry kit (rented diamond earrings and a necklace) that seems to show up in every "Bachelor." Then they went to Nicole Miller to try on dresses.

She picked a red one because it's important the same exact things happen on this show every year so nobody gets too confused. This was Andy's best date yet - Tessa opened up and Andy nearly broke the record for "amazings."

Pencil her in for the Final Two
.

At the rose ceremony, Andy broke out "Bachelor Karaoke" as Bill called it, doing the amazing/gorgeous/journey routine and even calling it "the hardest decision I've ever had to make."

Andy Baldwin, it's not like you're working at Starbucks, you're a Naval doctor! You've never made a harder decision than this?

Besides, you'll have a harder decision next week when you vote off Bevin because she's divorced, then she charges at you with a kitchen knife and you have to make the hard decision whether to run left or right.

Getting cut this week to nobody's surprise: Tina and Stephanie.

Neither opened up to Andy and we all know what that means. On her way out, Tina called not opening up to Andy "the biggest regret of my entire life." After hearing that, I wondered if mine was agreeing to write this column every week.

Now we're down to four girls for the hometown dates: Tessa, Amber, Bevin and Dead Boyfriend Girl, a possible sleeper if she breaks out enough photos of the dead boyfriend during Andy's visit (I can't wait to see the shrine).

Just make sure you tune in next week for Bevin's mental breakdown after she gets voted off for waiting too long to tell Andy about her divorce. It's going be much better than the NBA playoffs.

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