The Bachelor

Mondays 8:00 PM on ABC
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Recap

Recap, as always, reprinted courtesy of ESPN's The Sports Gal ...

I really enjoyed the "Hawaii Bachelor."

The show started with Andy Baldwin wearing his white Navy uniform, walking around Pearl Harbor and telling us, "It's not about yachts, it's not about sports cars, it's about being a U.S. Naval officer."

The camera showed him from various angles as Andy looked very serious and pretended the cameras weren't there. It looked like he was filming a photo shoot for a new cologne line called "Pearl Harbor."

The final three girls arrived one at a time (first Bevin Powers, then Danielle Imwalle, then Tessa Horst) and Andy didn't greet them with his usual dorky energy because he was busy feeling serious.

I don't blame him because I'm one of the few people who cried during "Pearl Harbor" when Josh Hartnett died. Or maybe it was Ben Affleck. Either way, I cried. I was touched by the fact that Andy was touched.

I didn't even laugh when Andy told Danielle that 900 people died on the Pearl Harbor ship and Bill joked that she'd reply, "Wow, 900 people … did you know that my boyfriend died in college?"

From there, Andy had overnight dates with each of the girls. He took Tessa to Kauai for an outdoor date where they zip-lined and walked a suspension bridge. Andy admitted that he loves "the rough-and-tumble tomboy side of Tessa." I think he should just date the Olympic hockey player from The Apprentice and get it over with.

This was a breakthrough date for them because Tessa finally "opened up" to The Bachelor and smooched him a whole bunch of times. Yuksville. Then, Andy opened up to Tessa and made the odd face where he flares his nostrils, grinds his teeth and strains his words.

Bill and I spent a few minutes trying to figure out what this face reminded us of and, for once, I finally beat him to a movie comparison: Andy looks like the judge in Caddyshack during the scene where he offers Danny Noonan a Fresca! I only know this because Bill watches this movie every time it's on.

Wait, I have to mention something strange: Three different times, Andy and Tessa broke out champagne glasses, toasted something and drank champagne. What guy chugs champagne like this?

Sometimes I wonder if Navy ships are like Broadway musicals behind the scenes, like with ton of champagne and singing and dancing and guys wearing tight white suits or walking around without shirts, complimenting each other's six-pack stomachs. Maybe that's just what I envision when I imagine Andy working on a ship.

At the end of dinner, Andy gave Tessa the note from Chris Harrison that gave her the option to spend the night with Andy in the "Fantasy Suite." Every time the girl says yes, Bill screams out "WHORE!" at the top of his lungs. He keeps claiming he hates this show and I don't believe him. They went to the Fantasy Suite and their room was beautiful -- it looked just like the maid's quarters in Tessa's mansion at home.

Just joking. Tessa wasn't joking when she said, "I am … falling in love with Andy …" He's worn her down and he's definitely picking her. Although I do think Andy would be better off with a girl who's been burned a few times and just needs a dorky, handsome, faithful, sweet, nice, reliable guy. Like a more normal Bevin.

Danielle came next and I wanted to fast-forward through the date once she said, "I think dolphins are one of my favorite animals." Yeah, who doesn't like dolphins, Danielle? That's like saying, "I hate cancer." They went swimming with an underwater camera recording their underwater smooches as Bill rooted for things to turn into "Open Water 2."

Then they had dinner and Andy brought out a psychic who mentioned that Danielle Imwalle is still battling a loss from her past. Danielle, we've suffered a loss as well - we lost 45 minutes out of our lives listening to you bring up your college boyfriend.

Sweetie, nobody marries their boyfriend from college! In fact, I wish some of mine were dead! Anyway, Danielle eventually accepted an overnight date in the Fantasy Suite. This was when Bill demanded a new feature where Chris Harrison tells us afterward exactly how far things went with each girl.

Bill thinks Andy got to third base with Tessa, second base with Danielle and seventh base with Bevin. I thought that was funny.

For the final Hawaii date, Andy took Bevin kayaking and told the cameras, "I feel electricity in my soul when I'm with Bevin, she has this energy about her which is amazing and unlike anything I've ever felt before." It's called insanity, Andy.

We also noticed that Bevin has a shoulder tattoo and a lower-back tattoo. I can't defend the lower-back tattoo nor will I try. But if you think Andy the uptight, goody-two-shoes Navy officer from Amish country is marrying a divorced girl with a giant lower-back tattoo, then you're either drinking the Bevin Kool-Aid or you're nuttier than she is.

When they started getting it on underneath a giant waterfall, we wondered if they had sex right then and there. Bill argued that it didn't happen because "Bevin is definitely the type of girl who sobs after sex, so we would have seen her crying." Hmm.

Either way, they ended up in the Fantasy Suite and probably did it there.

Before cutting it down to two at the outdoor rose ceremony, Andy's triathlete buddy arrived to help him make the choice. The buddy's name was Gatsby. He looked like a Gatsby. Triathletes always have weird literary/athletic names like Gatsby or Holden or Boots.

You never meet a triathlete named Mike. Andy has a boring triathlete name, but that's just the magic of Andy. Bill and I spent most of this segment discussing triathletes and missed everything they said.

At The Bachelor rose ceremony, we decided that all of Andy's pre-ceremony speeches to the girls are like watching someone give an awkward best man's speech at a wedding. The good thing is that we don't have to see him afterward and pretend we liked the speech.

To nobody's surprise, Andy chose … Bevin and Tessa!

His breakup with Danielle Imwalle was just as boring as all of their dates, although Andy cried when the limo drove her away. He's such a nice guy. In the limo, Danielle told the cameras, "I've been through a lot and I really deserve to be happy."

I agree. Here's a tip, Danielle: Get over your college boyfriend, move out of your dad's house, swear off shopping mall jewelry, move to Manhattan and get a giant lower-back tattoo. You'll be fine.

Back in two weeks with a recap of the dramatic two-hour final episode in which Bevin Powers doesn't get picked and intentionally breaks her leg so Andy will change his mind, then hurls herself in front of the limo, followed by Tessa turning down Andy's proposal and announcing that she's replacing Rosie O'Donnell on "The View."

I can't wait!!!

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