Archer Quotes from "Archer Vice: House Call"
Matt Richenthal at .Click through the best Archer quotes from this Season 5 episode now. These lines crack us up!
1. I was concerned about you - blow me!
I was concerned about you - blow me!
2. Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me 6 goddamn eggs and some...
Lana: Cheryl?
Cheryl: Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me 6 goddamn eggs and some Carolina fries I would personally be shocked, SHOCKED I tell ya, if by morning this place ain't burned to the ground.
3. I'll be watching you like a hawk. That's been bred with an eagle...to produce some kind of...
I'll be watching you like a hawk. That's been bred with an eagle...to produce some kind of eagle-eyed superhawk...with a badge.
Hawley
4. I bought a T-Shirt once that said "Female Body Inspector.
Hawley: What do you people think the letters FBI stands for?
Archer: I bought a T-Shirt once that said "Female Body Inspector.
5. You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!
You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!
Ron
6. So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. I'd also waste 5 precious...
So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. I'd also waste 5 precious minutes of my head start in the race to freedom, giving that swell guy Archer a combination thank-you-goodbye blow job.
7. ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.
Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.
8. I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe.
I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe.
Cheryl
9. Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the internet, a...
Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?
Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing and a sock!
10. God knows he's a little GILF.
Cyril: You could pose him with Woodhouse
Krieger: God knows he's a little GILF.
11. He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim
Cyril: He can't come in without a warrant - well, unless you invite him in.
Archer: He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim
12. The last thing you need right now is a big, shit-eating "I told you so."
The last thing you need right now is a big, shit-eating "I told you so."
13. This is only somewhat like that old gypsy woman said!!
This is only somewhat like that old gypsy woman said!!
Cheryl
14. From an overdose of cocaine cake?!
Malory: Well, she won't go to rehab and you won't let her die with dignity...
Lana: From an overdose of cocaine cake?!
15. Oh my God, and little kids eat it!?
Malory: It's good because it's cocaine!
Archer: Oh my God, and little kids eat it!?
16. Ron, next time get shot in the head.
Ron: Next time remind me to get shot in the head!
Archer: Ron, next time get shot in the head.
17. Really - cause you never think of those two as having their shit together.
Malory: Who uses Metric?
Lana: Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia and Burma!
Archer: Really - cause you never think of those two as having their shit together.