And by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?!

Kreiger

Maybe I didn't go to some fancy-pancy Ivy League med school, and maybe I didn't go to some other med school, even the one down in Grenada which was my fall-back but whatever, that doesn't give you the right to bully me! I have had it!

Krieger

Cheryl: I'm gonna use the money to buy an orphanage and then bulldoze it.
Pam: Why?!
Cheryl: Shits and grins. And screams. "Wah, porridge, wah!" Hahahahahaha.
Pam: Well, maybe she'll die.

I decided to let Ray drive. With his racist robot monster hand!

Lana: Well, I did get an A in college biology.
Dr. Sklodowska: Oh,wow, great. So when we're traversing the occipital lobe, you'll know what to do if the ship is in imminent danger of phagocytosis by polymorphonuclear leukocytes?
Lana: It actually might have been an A minus.

Ray: Oh! So I'm good enough to drive y'all around?! Great! Maybe on the way we can stop off down the Piggly Wiggly!
Lana: When this is over, I really think you and I should have a nice long talk.
Ray: I'm sorry, am I forgetting my place?
Lana: Little bit.

Pam: I was voted best milker!
Krieger: Me too!
Everyone: Eww.

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Slater: You know what this is? (shows fist)
Archer: Your best gal?

Slater: You know what I don't have time for?
Archer: Shopping for clothes?

Krieger: I've been working on miniaturization for years!
Cyril: Krieger, those were shrinky dinks.
Krieger: It's the same principle!

He's the one ashamed of his hand's heritage, not me!

Malory: Why is she even in this briefing? She's not allowed to go on missions!
Hawley: Because she always stows away somehow, as do Figgis and Dr. Krieger, and Julia Glueis Dreyfuss over there.

Archer Quotes

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?