Andy: Tom, I need protection.
Tom: Are we talking condoms or guns?
Andy: No, I need... you have guns?
Tom: I dunno, you have money?

• Permalink: I dunno, you have money?
• Added: February 24, 2015

Travis: That thing's on you like a bear trap. Is there at least a zipper so you can go to the bathroom?
Andy: I don't have to go anymore...
Travis: What?
Andy: What?

• Permalink: Buzz Lightyear
• Added: January 27, 2015

I used to make fun of them, but now I get goth kids. Life is pain. Pain is life. The Cure rules!

• Permalink: I used to make fun of them, but now I get goth kids. Life is pain. Pain is life. The Cure...
• Added: January 20, 2015

Sometimes doing the hard thing gets you where you need to be.

• Permalink: Sometimes doing the hard thing gets you where you need to be.
• Added: January 13, 2015

Jules: Ever since I got back from Hollywood I've turned into a real movie slut.
Andy: I think you mean movie buff.
Ellie: No, no she's right, the expression is movie slut - change approved.

• Permalink: No, no she's right, the expression is movie slut - change approved.
• Added: January 08, 2014

Ellie: Stan the bartender?
Andy: We have a son named Stan.
Ellie: Oh, sure sure.

• Permalink: Stan the bartender? We have a son named Stan. Oh, sure sure.
• Added: April 09, 2013

Okay, others may see you as a terrifying hate goblin, but they don't matter I see my fiery hell raiser beautiful wife who loves me more than anything.

• Permalink: Okay, others may see you as a terrifying hate goblin, but they d...
• Added: January 16, 2013

Laurie: Zooey Descha-hell-no, what you two need is revenge. If someone hurts you, you hurt them right back.
Jules: Yeah revenge is better I'm in.
Andy: Me too.

• Permalink: Zooey Descha-hell-no, what you two need is revenge. If someone h...
• Added: January 16, 2013

Andy: Ellie's just jealous because she thinks I care more about you than her.
Bobby: Do you?
Andy: Yes, it's not even close.

• Permalink: Ellie's just jealous because she thinks I care more about you th...
• Added: April 25, 2012

Andy: He's your son.
Ellie: He needs to learn.

• Permalink: He's your son. He needs to learn.
• Added: April 25, 2012

Andy: Great, they're grossed out by the thought of us naked.
Ellie: Not us my friend.
Laurie: [Laughing]

• Permalink: Great, they're grossed out by the thought of us naked. Not us ...
• Added: March 06, 2012

Tom: The Bicycle Boys stole my fountain.
Jules: [Gasp]
Grayson: No!
Andy: Come on!
Ellie: Damn them!

• Permalink: The Bicycle Boys stole my fountain. No! Come on! Damn t...
• Added: March 06, 2012