Andy: Tom, I need protection.
Tom: Are we talking condoms or guns?
Andy: No, I need... you have guns?
Tom: I dunno, you have money?

Jules: At least none of these are weird sex things.
Tom: Uh, two of them can be.
Jules: Which one? No, I don't want to know. It's the fedora, right?

We're even wearing the same unisex cologne. "Both" by Bruce Jenner.


You look white trash enough to be Kid Rock's mom.


Jules: You know, since the day that we met, I spent most of my craziest times with you.
Laurie: Oh like the time we broke all the penises off the statues! Or when we went bar hopping and we stole that scary cop's gun? Or when we broke into Tom's house and we locked his girlfriend in the closet!
Jules: Wow, we sound totally insane when you string them all together.

All the chaos and destruction in town just kind of makes me feel romantic. If we'd walked over a power line, Andy might have gotten luck right then and there.

Jules: Please don't get pregnant!
Laurie: Sometimes 'I love you' is just a trick to get your dress off!

My baby has no shot at a normal life.


Ellie: Something's off.
Travis: Maybe you've finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Ellie: No, but that's funny.

Travis: Why are they taking their jewelry off?
Laurie: Because that's the last stop before a catfight.

My house has become the secret lair of Captain No Job


Ellie: Two choices: heads divorce, tails murder.

Cougar Town Quotes

Jules: You see that young gentleman there, I'd love to lick his body
Woman: That's my son
Jules: Ooh, he looks smart

Jules: When a 40-something guy gets divorced, it's always: "Way to go, Tiger!"
Grayson: We don't call each other Tiger. It's always Champ, or Samurai.