House: Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice?
Dr. Wilson: Experience.

Dr. Wilson: Well, at least the Alzheimer's patient in 202 won't remember she only got half a ham sandwich.
House: I'm doing her a favor.

Dr. Wilson: I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.
House: But it's been working so well.

Dr. Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there," while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.
House: I could offer to baby-sit again, let her have the night out.
Dr. Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.
House: I wish I was nicer.

Dr. Wilson: This is actually good, House. She's committing crimes. What does that tell you?
House: I'm a horrible influence.
Dr. Wilson: True. A horrible influence she's reaching out to. She's looking for ways to connect. Sure, they're self-destructive, juvenile, and insane, but so are you.

House: Yeah. I have to avoid this problem. If I can restrict our interactions to places where neither of us are wearing pants.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, that's not avoiding the problem, it's avoiding the issue.
House: Since avoidance is my plan for dealing with the issue, technically, that's not avoiding it. Thanks.

Dr. Wilson: House, everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring a patient to death.
House: You talked to Taub.
Dr. Wilson: He's worried about you.
House: He's a jerk.
Dr. Wilson: I'm worried too.
House: Do I need to say it?

Dr. Cuddy: It's time for our meeting in Human Resources.
House: Hmmm. Human Resources. Now why would I need to go to Human Resources?
Dr. Wilson: House, you've been to Human Resources 74 times in the last six weeks.

Wilson: I was wondering what your plans were.
House: Tonight?
Wilson: In life.

Dr. Wilson: I was telling a 39-year-old woman that she has breast cancer.
House: No, you weren't.
Dr. Wilson: How do you know?
House: Because if you were, you'd need to see the pain in her eyes so she could see the concern in yours.

Dr. Wilson: Just think of this as a dream.
Sam: What about House?
Dr. Wilson: I said a dream, not a nightmare.

I'm getting a lecture in communication from someone who had her lawyer tell me she wanted a divorce.

House Quotes

Dr. Cameron: House doesn't believe in pretense. Figures life's too short and too painful. So he just says that he thinks.
Dr. Foreman: "I say what I think" is just another way of saying "I'm an assho"...

(about House) The son of a bitch is the best doctor we have.

Dr. Cuddy