I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

I know I'm a big fan of the bye bye pain juice, but I don't think I'm an alcoholic do you?

Worst intervention ever.

I like my stink.

You're going to live to humiliate yourself another day.

The older I get the clearer it becomes that you two were the best thing to ever happen to an old fool like me.

That's just me, an ungrateful heathen, highway to Hell and whatnot.

Don't come back here without a dozen roses and your dick in a box.

I can make fun of Runkle but you can't.

All my life I thought that sort of life was lame, but now I realize the joke was on me.

Hank: Just be careful. young writers on the rise have been known to make certain mistakes.
Becca: Such as?
Hank: Such as sticking their dicks in places kind words and flattery come from.

It helps to have daughters in low places.

Californication Quotes

Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

Hank Moody

I love women. I have all their albums.

Hank Moody