Ted Mosby Quotes
Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word out, oot
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: ... Your cops are called "mounties"
[about his community service]
Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk!
Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment
Marshall: I stabbed Lily, I stabbed my fiancee.
Ted: Come on Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancee?
Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't believe it but you're right.
Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.
Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she!
Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.
Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning
Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee
If a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy world, then so can I!
Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.
Ted: I'm not going to a matchmaker, that's like giving up. It's the man-version of getting a cat
Lily: Don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
Ted: All right, I get it
Ellen: You give me 3 days and I will find the woman you will marry.
Ted: No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know. Plenty of fish in the sea!
Ellen: Plenty of fish in the sea! [grabs a calculator form the desk and starts clicking away] There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women.
Ted: That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?
Ellen: There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.
Ted: Do you take credit cards?
Sarah: Ted, just calm down.
Ted: Calm down! You're my only match! There was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians
Ted: Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
Sarah: Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?
Ted: See, we're both impulsive. We're perfect for each other
