Travis: Oh my God, you want us to be friends?
Jules: Friends that can talk about anything. I want us to be friends with benefits. I didn't use that right, did I?

Jules: I can't even be a whore?
Travis: Mom, I think you would be an amazing whore-oh my God I can't believe I just said that.

Travis: You know, I've actually been experimenting at school.
Ellie: I totally called that!
Jules: What's his name? Is he cute?
Travis: I meant with religion.
Jules: Aw man, I was excited to show you how cool I'd be about it.

Laurie: Hey, for the record I wore underwear tonight so you'd think I was classy.
Travis: No you didn't.
Laurie: I didn't. Turns out I don't actually own any.

Travis: My tee-ball coach diagnosed me with a terminal case of 'the dropsies'.
Ellie: A month from now, you're going to be holding a fragile, infant life in your hands.
Travis: Do you think it's going to be a problem?
Ellie: Babies heads are soft.

Laurie: Today baby Bobby turns 6 weeks old!
Travis: And 6 weeks after childbirth means Laurie and I can finally... officially... get it on.
Ellie: Ugh.
Andy: Bleh.

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Ellie: Something's off.
Travis: Maybe you've finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Ellie: No, but that's funny.

My baby has no shot at a normal life.

Cougar Town Quotes

Jules: You see that young gentleman there, I'd love to lick his body
Woman: That's my son
Jules: Ooh, he looks smart

Jules: When a 40-something guy gets divorced, it's always: "Way to go, Tiger!"
Grayson: We don't call each other Tiger. It's always Champ, or Samurai.