Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan [about Jake]: Hell, no, he's getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Charlie Harper, Alan Harper
Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3: "A Bag Full of Jawea"
Two and a Half Men
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Charlie Harper Quotes, Alan Harper Quotes, Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 Quotes, Two and a Half Men Quotes
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Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 3 Quotes

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to three o'clock. After that I'm just a person like anybody else.
Jake: This is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall

Charlie: Oh, Miss Pasternak...
Miss Pasternak: How come you never call me by my first name?
Charlie: I don't know, this just seems way hotter