Charlie: Hey, hey. Maple Loops is part of a nutritious balanced breakfast.
Alan: Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli

Rose: Do you feel the healing energy?
Alan: If I say yes, will you get off me?

Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means if she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family

Prudence: You know, I always wanted to play the piano. Do you think you can teach me something?
Charlie: No. Nothing. Not a damn thing

Prudence [about sunblock]: Can you put some of this on my back?
Alan: No!
Prudence: If you don't, I'll burn.
Alan: If I do, I will

Whew.. whew... look, Prudence, this just can't happen. I mean you're very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I

Charlie

Jake [about Prudence]: Boy, she smells good.
Berta: Yeah, if you like Camel Filters and pheromones

Jake: Thanks for helping me with my book report, Prudence.
Prudence: Oh, no problem. Fourth grade stuff is easy for me.
Berta: Should be, you did it twice

Charlie: I'm still sleeping here, could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life

Alan [about Judith]: What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.

It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick rather than lumberjack

Charlie

Alan: Get your jacket, it's time to go.
Jake: I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping
Alan: Well, you can't stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: Fine. I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey! Don't talk to your stupid father like that