Janitor: You rang. Lurch.
J.D.: Oh. Um. My stethoscope is stuck up there, and I need you to get it down for me.
Janitor: You put it up there.
J.D.: It's really neither here nor there.
Janitor: Fine. All right, we're even.
J.D.: Thank God.
Janitor: You know you could have just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year?
J.D.: Okay, I want that, then.
Janitor: It's too late

Carla: You all claim you want more responsibility... But you're being outsmarted by a doctor who wears scrubs made out of hemp; you're afraid to stand up to a volunteer who's answering the clinic phones; and Bambi, did you ever place that femoral swan?
J.D.: It's on my todo list

Carla: He went home, but he said Carol can cover for him.
Turk: Is Carol the one with the firm butt?
J.D: Well, I'm Carol, so yes.
Elliot: It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt

Do you know how I know this is your's, Farrah? Because when I paged you earlier someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People Magazine - anyway. Long story short, the whole incident gave me a bang up idea, because you see I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch sipping on some scotch paging you every twenty seconds and if you don't answer every damn last one of them I'm gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off

Dr. Cox [to J.D.]

You know Bob, I've been thinkin' about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain in the ass chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see Bob, the pain in the ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him. But right at the end, oh gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened Bob. The tortoise bit clean through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book Bob, I know. But its one that stuck with me... none the less

# » # Dr. Cox

J.D.: Uh... yeah, sir. I have a full patient load. I don't understand how you can just drop this guy in my lap and expect me to make him a top priority.
Dr. Kelso: You want me to say "ta da!" so it seems more like a trick? Mr. Zerbo back there is a major hospital benefactor. And, by golly, you know it's a lot harder to write a big, fat cheque if you're dead

Dr. Cox: You look pretty today.
Carla: Don't even start with me.
Dr. Cox: You look horrible?
Carla: I look fantastic! And what you're doing, that's starting. I'm pretty sure I said not to start. Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: That's what she said

J.D. [about sleep with Turk]: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head-to-foot.
Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head-to-foot alignment, it's just, there's no way for them to lock in

J.D.: Hey Elliot.
Elliot [Coming from underneath the table]: I'm not hiding from you, I..I was... I was just looking for my... uhm, my... I was just looking for my dignity.
J.D.: Did you find it?
Elliot: No. I must have left it at college

J.D.: Okay, fine. I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Laverne: I think I'll sit back down.
J.D.: It was an accident.
Dr. Cox: Look... first of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again. And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to know where you did it. I don't even want to know... how it was.
J.D.: A little scary... Sorry! Jitters!
J.D.'s Narration: And here come the fireworks...
Dr. Cox: I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you, you are forgiven. Okay?
J.D.'s Narration: Cool.
Laverne: Damn

J.D.: Could I have Mr. Buckley's chart, please?
Laverne: No problem. I keep it right down there, in the "Get it yourself" file

Todd: Ladies? Now that The Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder anymore... [referring to who he'll sleep with] Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No. And... yes if I've been drinking.
Laverne: Come here, wonderbread.
Todd: What's up, doll?
Laverne: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
Todd: I'm changing you to a "yes" because you're feisty!