I'm saying, adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child, is everything that I need, but if that's not enough for you tell me now.


Why can't we just paint each others' toe nails, watch vintage pornography, and then go to bed in our swing like a normal couple?


It was Harold, and I ate all of him. Even the face in case of a tie. I ate him sir! I ate my father pig!


I got other ideas...like a micro brewery that also serves frozen yogurt. I'm a call it, Microsoft.


Last night was a disaster...and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit.


Jack: You're the only one bank rolling this? What about Brown and Folderson?
Tracy: That's what I call my wallet.

Hey get a room! Whatever that is.


Anyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.


Also, in the background I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.


I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.


I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and you crush it with your mind vice. But for lesser beings, like curly haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.


Jenna: Marriage is like death. You still into a routine. You lose all the spark.
Liz: I don't know. I always thought the whole point of being with someone for a long time is to get to the comfortable routine part.
Jenna: No. Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.

30 Rock Season 5 Episode 9 Quotes

What is Senor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out the loop!


Tracy: Hey! What was that sound? It was opportunity knocking.
Jack: No one knocked, you just barged in.