Mitchell: Lighten up. Loosen your sphincter for 20 minutes and go have a beer with the guy. Let him into your life. Maybe get a life.
Russ: It's just a pointless, futile gesture to make him look good.
Mitchell: He cares!!! Sometimes the only way to care is with a futile, pointless gesture.

Russ: You're not really thinkin' about taking Milt up on his offer, are you?
Mitchell: Would that be a bad thing? For you?
Russ: I can't go through the rest of my life knowing that man saved me. He's a narcissistic, manipulative ass that the whole world treats like a God when it is really just the exact opposite.
Mitchell: Can I give you some advice?
Russ: Sure.
Mitchell: Stop being a douche.

So the bank robbing murderer thinks we should all stand on principle, do the right thing.


Commander: You're putting us in charge?
Milt: No, I can't do that, but I want this investigation driven by the people to whom it matters the most. That's us! The people who care about Russ the most.

Milt: So. Holly leaves tomorrow. You're not being a stand up guy, you're being a full. She's not property that some guy takes possession of just because he asked her out first.
Russ: You don't respect women, alright. You're just rationalizing your own selfishness.
Milt: I'm not rationalizing it, I'm trying to justify it. For you. I'm trying to help you. But, it's your life. [Pushes Russ out of the elevator]
Russ: What are you doing?
Milt: I can't force a horse to drink, but I can force it to face the water.

[Russ pulls at his burning tongue]
Milt: You ever think about iced coffee? [Sucks on his iced coffee]
Russ: Yeah, I'll do that right about the same time I spend $50 on a $20 steak from some hipster doofas in braids.

Jacocks: Russ, maybe you need to take a break, get something to eat.
Russ: What? Are you telling me I need a sandwich right now, Jacocks?!
Funk: Or whatever it takes for you to calm down and get a grip on yourself, because you seem to have a whole lot of ideas on what not to do, but so far not a lot of suggestions on what TO do. You're not the only one who feels responsible in this. We all do. Together. Us.

Yeah, well listening to the hip hop doesn't make you hip, it makes you pathetic, like an old fart wearing skinny jeans.


Well would you be careful, this coffee's hot enough to melt hot steel!


Milt: You're under arrest for the murders of Rosalee Brackish and Kyle Chilton.
Devon: You guys are sloooooow.

Milt: Pete? Who's Pete?
Clarence: Prelude Pete. He drove a Prelude. Wavy hair. One of those stupid mustaches, like the thin kind that make you look you a slow learner.

You know, as crappy as this place is, I'm sure they cleaned their rooms at least once in the last 17 years.


Battle Creek Quotes

Milton: It looks like we got a double homicide.
Russ: No, no, no. Magnum gets double homicides. Rockford gets double homicides. Here, let me get this.

I'll tell you what, Mrs. Seymour. First thing next week, I'll fly to Hawaii and arrest Tom Selleck for you. How does that sound?