You know, as crappy as this place is, I'm sure they cleaned their rooms at least once in the last 17 years.


Milt: Why does everyone always have to have an ulterior motive, Russ?
Russ: Because everyone has an ulterior motive, Milton.

Milt: So I'm assuming Constance is the one who bought you the shoes every year? Someone close to you? Someone who loves you?
Russ: Wrong. She's my mother.

Yes. The time frame that my mother pulled out of her ass fits within the time frame that you pulled out of your ass.


Milt: That was odd.
Russ: Bizarre. They've been ogling you since you and I walked through the door. But seriously, you didn't notice that? I mean, you've looked at you, right?
Milt: I don't rally think about that, Russ. Sure my parents pass on certain physical traits, but we all got stuff from our mothers, right? You were blessed with deductive reasoning skills from your mom.
Russ: Shhh. She's right there. Hey, listen, she and I may share the same DNA, but we're nothing alike. At all.

Milt: Sorry, Russ. I don't know what's worse, knowing your mother's a killer or knowing she doesn't love you.
Russ: I've always known my mother doesn't love me.

Milt: Oh my God. Your mother is innocent.
Russ: Yeah, I know.
Milt: Well, that means if the polygraph was wrong, what else was it wrong about? Your mother loves you!

Constance: You've been tracking me?
Russ: Until the phone died. And then I would never save my damn hockey trophies.
Constance. You little bastard! You conned ME!

Holly: There is nothing going on between me and your son!
Constance: I know. But there should be.

Milt: Sometimes white lies help us make a better reality.
Russ: What the hell does that even mean? I guess you construct your own reality because the laws of gravity don't apply to you, either.
Milt: Are you sure? I ended up in Battle Creek, didn't I?

Well I can confirm, using my brain's facial recognition software, that it wasn't Lydon.


Russ: Only a person high on crack would find any of this logical. [grabs a
bottle from the Mayor's hands] What is this?
Milt: Oxycontin, have a pharmacy in here.
Russ: In front of a cop and a Fed? Are you kidding me?

Battle Creek Quotes

Milton: It looks like we got a double homicide.
Russ: No, no, no. Magnum gets double homicides. Rockford gets double homicides. Here, let me get this.

I'll tell you what, Mrs. Seymour. First thing next week, I'll fly to Hawaii and arrest Tom Selleck for you. How does that sound?