Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 2: "Heroes" Quotes
You guys have 72 hours to make that taste like something drunk teenagers will tip off... cow.. I'm talking about a cow
Ted
How can I know so much about the bonds of chemicals yet so little about the bonds of friendship?
Phil
Lem: Maybe the meat blob's not taking in enough nutrients. I guess I could try and give it a mouth.
Ted: I'm gonna say no to the meat blob getting a mouth. Mostly because I don't want to hear what it has to say
Ted: We may have created a monster in the lab
Veronica: It's not a monster, it's a cyborg that can kill without remorse
Ted: I was talking about Phil, what were you talking about?
Veronica: I was also talking about Phil... it's classified... but it's going to be a fantastic new tool if we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children
Jerome [tasting meat made in lab]: It tastes familiar.
Ted: Beef?
Jerome: No.
Linda: Chicken? We'll take chicken.
Ted: What does it taste like?
Jerome: Despair.
Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?
Phil: I am the Below Zero Hero. Julie in Employee Services asked for my autograph. That's right, Julie. With those breasts in front. It's a new Phil, Lem. You had better get used to it
Lem: That was a little aggressive
Veronica: Legal is worried that Phil might think his annoying outbursts are connected to our allegedly freezing him.
Ted: We didn't "allegedly" freeze him, we froze him. Like a human leftover.
Veronica: Legal says we don't know what that chamber is that he entered freely. The latest theory is that he may have been attempting to perform a magic trick.
Ted: Oh, yeah, that magic trick where the company freezes him.
Phil: Blobby, like Bobby, only with an l
Lem: Don't name it or you won't want to eat it. Remember Chester the carrot?
Phil: Yeah, I miss him
Ted: At least meat grown in a test tube doesn't feel pain. Please tell me it doesn't feel pain.
Lem: We don't think so.
Phil: Yeah, although interestingly, it does respond to music
Veronica: We have a problem. The Food Division just told me that the "Extra Fun Mac and Cheese" I'm supposed to be presenting to the shareholders causes blindness if eaten more than twice a week. Plus, no matter how long it's cooked, it never gets hot.
Ted: Maybe it's not Mac and Cheese.
Veronica: Oh, no, it has to be. They've already designed the box
Veronica: Ted.
Ted: Veronica.
Veronica: How are you?
Ted: I'm fine. Why?
Veronica: I was just seeing what small talk might look like.
Ted: Oh, well, usually, you...
Veronica: Please stop. I feel like I just pissed away my day
Veridian Dynamics. We're the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes... the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chicken that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them, but we're not, because people can't eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum
Narrator
