Lily [looking at Barney's shiny shirt]: Hey, we wore the same the shirt! No, wait, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.
Barney: One of the 24 ways women and fish are alike is that they're both attracted to bright objects. Don't you ever read my blog?

Barney: Ted, get your coat we're leaving.
Ted: What happened to the cute broad you were grinding with?
Barney: Promise not to tell anyone ever in your life? Ever? This can't be one of those stories...'funny time this one time Barney was...' none of that. Promise?
[Ted Nods]
Barney [whispers]: That was my cousin Leslie

Lily: Maybe we should start doing grown-up stuff.
Marshall: It was some pretty grown up stuff we did this morning.
Lily: Yea, but it wasn't classy

Robin: You are gonna love Kelly, she's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment..
Barney: Translation: She's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly.
Robin: Oh, and she's totally hot!

Ted: These strategies ever work for you?
Barney: The question is: Do these strategies ever NOT work for me? Either way the answer is about half the time

[at a really loud club...]
Ted: So, how do you know Robin?
Kelly: Sagittarius!
Ted: Is that near Westchester?
Kelly: I would love one! Just a beer!

Robin: I get recognized once and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP. I'm just a lonely little P, sitting here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something? I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day

Coat Check Girl: Because all of the stuff you're suppose to like, usually sucks. Like these clubs, or cruises.
Ted: Or New Years Eve.
Coat Check Girl: Or the Superbowl.
Ted: Or parades.
Coat Check Girl: The Rockettes.
Ted: Or parades.
Coat Check Girl: You said that already!
Ted: I really hate parades

Barney: "Okay" is the name of a club. It's really exclusive. A friend of mine once stood outside for two hours and didn't get in.
Ted: A friend of yours named "you?"
Barney: No, a friend of mine named "Shut up!"

Ted: What are you doing here, Lily let you go?
Marshall: Lily? Psshh, who cares, right?
Ted: You are so dead.
Marshall: Oh, I'm so dead

Coat Check Girl: Yeah, see, if everyone keeps telling you something's supposed to be fun, it's usually not.
Ted: Right. So, by that logic, if you and I were to, say, go out on a date...
Coat Check Girl: ...Well, we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun.
Ted: Right. The DMV it is.
Coat Check Girl: Then we'll get our teeth cleaned.
Ted: Sounds awful. It's a date.

The problem is you can't do any of that couples stuff unless you have someone to do it with! And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out and doing stupid singles stuff with Barney! ... but, man, when I find her, we're gonna have some bad-ass wine tastings


How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 5 Quotes

Robin: He's even getting me into the VIP room.
Barney: He just wants to show you his own VIP, if you know what I mean.
Robin: All right, what does VIP stand for in your little universe?
Barney: Well, I know that the 'P' is penis

Future Ted: So, kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf?
Son: Why does he even ask?
Daughter: I know, he's just gonna tell us anyway