Sarah: Ted, just calm down.
Ted: Calm down! You're my only match! There was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians

Ted: Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
Sarah: Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?
Ted: See, we're both impulsive. We're perfect for each other

Lily: Holy crap. We got it! What do we do with it?
Marshall: Calm down, I have a plan. I told my friend, Sudeep, about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department. But it has to be alive.
Lily: Wait, no, no. They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean. Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?

Marshall: Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome. You got the Bermuda triangle, ghosts, Big Foot.
Robin: Bad maps. Creaky houses. Hillbilly in a gorilla suit.
Marshall: Aliens? [Robin shakes her head] Oh, come one, you gotta give me aliens. Stonehenge. Area 51. There's alien crap all over the place.
Robin: You can't be serious.
Marshall: My friend, you just poked the bear

Ted: Hey, this may sound weird but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off so I'm gonna ask you now. Do you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?
Sarah: Oh, that's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.
Ted: Friday night?

Sarah: Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.
Ted: I'm Architect Mosby. Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too

Ted: OK, this is getting weird, the similarities go on and on. She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies too. She's a dermatologist. I have skin.
Barney: You wanna be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend. It's uncanny

Marshall: For as much as we know about the cockamousse, there are still so much we don't know.
Robin: Well, we know that there's no such thing as a cockamouse. What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking

Ted: My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person. Sarah O'Brien loves brunch. She wants to have two children. Her guilty pleasure song is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Croft.
Barney: Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman

Lily: He's a whole new species. The cockamouse.
Marshall: And it's the size of a potato.
Robin: So, what, now it's a cockapotatomouse?
Marshall: Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse

Ellen: How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate. It's my hook. I could probably find somebody for you if you were gay.
Ted: Well, I'm not.
Ellen: A little bi maybe?

How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard. Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. Phew, actually I got through that OK

Ellen [to Ted]

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: ... Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great...
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!

Lily: Don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
Ted: All right, I get it