You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low but sadly for you, it's just a new middle


Ted: I feel like Richard Gere.
Mary: You're not shy about your looks, are you?

Barney: Do it! Come on Ted, do it! It's one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: What? Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity! What Up!

Ted: So Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.
Sandy Rivers: You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Ted: Oh same thing as you. I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and go to my real job as an architect, where I make an actual contribution to the world. I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.
Sandy Rivers: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that

Ted: I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin is still pissed at me after, you know.
Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were, so you could try and nail Robin and you end up losing both girls in one night.
Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know".

Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say?
Ted: Nothing good ever...
Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m.

Ted: I hate how you're always right.
Lily: It's my best, and most annoying, trait

Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?


Little girl: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancé.
Robin: Oh no, I don't have a fiancé.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little girl: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: No, I've got fiiive dogs
Little girl: My grandma has 5 cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yea, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady - doeesss anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: No! Are you!?

Marshall: Look Barney you tried I think that's great but we're going.
Barney: No! No! Come on.
Marshall: Yes!
Barney: Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.
Lily: Ok if were at the Le then I say we follow it up with the Tss go home.
Marshall: Oh wow you just got burned phonic style

Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?


Barney: Kids, you don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?
Kids: Noo
Barney: I know what you want. Magic!

How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Quotes

Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway

Future Ted

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: ... Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great...
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!