Barney: I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlaps, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, cause lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

Don: You're stuck in a dead end gig, surrounding by people going, doing the news in your tightie whities.
Robin: That underwear thing as your choice, and I don't like that it's catching on.

My colonoscopy had more viewers than this show. At least that had some twists and turns.


Ted: Come on, take it to the roof, we said no smoking after you torched the throw rug doing push ups.
Marshall: Yeah, God robin. Not only is that a filthy habit... but can I bum one?

Robin: See my show?
Ted: I meant to watch it. I was just so busy with the being asleep thing, it took eight hours right down the drain.

Student: You just wrote "Maggie" on the board?
Ted: Oh. That? No. It stands for: Make ... adjustments ... go ... get it energized!

Student: We get you for the full hour.
Ted: Oh come on. Who really wants to sit here and listen to me blab about bridges for an hour? [hands go up; Ted is moved] Really?!

Barney: [on phone] Ten minutes and the window's closed.
Ted: What? Ten minutes?!
Barney: Because we're bros.

I work for Goliath National Bank, the most evil place in history!


It's not that the wings are too hot, it's that I already had wings earlier. Much earlier.

Old Marshall

Ted: I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing but I think I'm ready again.
Barney: Yeah...let me tell you were I'm at.. I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.

Jim: I've been in love with her for five years.
Ted: I've been in love with her for twelve years.
Barney: I've been in these overalls for an hour and a half.

How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes

Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Marshall: MILSWANCA's?
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square

So, funny thing about Willem Dafoe. His name sounds like it's being spoken by a frog, then a parrot. Willem. DA-FOE! Willem. DA-FOE!