Schitt's Creek Quotes
David: What happened? Who died?
Johnny: Who died?
David: Did Patrick die?
Alexis: No, Patrick didn't die, David.
David: Then why did you startle me awake like this? My mind went straight to some unthinkable tragedy, like something really really bad happened.
Johnny: Oh, imagine.
Moira: Well, the day did have a slight segultis.
David: What is she talking about?
Moira: A hiccup.
David: What hiccup, who's hiccuping?
Alexis: Ok, David shush for a minute. There was a big storm last night, and things got a bit wet.
David: How wet?
Johnny: We've been looking into changing venues.
David: Oh my god. To where? Bob's Garage?
Moira: Um, no, his roof was no match for the cumulous clouds.
David: I've woken up in a Black Mirror episode.
Alexis: This might be a stupid question because there's like literally nothing you can do about it, but why didn't you guys get a tent?
Johnny: Not helping, Alexis.
David: Because I wanted the wood fire pizza over and we couldn't afford both. Someone has to call the officiant. He's on his way from Elm Dale. What happened to Fabian?
Johnny: He canceled because of the rain.
Moira: What kind of an adult man rides a penny far thing?
Patrick: Wow, that massage really did a number, huh?
David: Ya, that was the first time I have ever received a happy ending.
Patrick: Sorry, what did you just say?
Patrick: The happy ending that the masseur gave me. I've always heard about things like that, but it's never actually happened. Did you have to pay extra for that?
Patrick: I didn't pay for a happy ending. I paid for a massage. He gave you a happy ending? On our wedding day?
David: I thought you wanted that.
Stevie: See, this is what Ray should be filming.
Patrick: Why would I want you to get a happy ending from a stranger on our wedding day, David.
David: You tell me! Because I was stressed out and you told me you wanted to distress me. I just assumed you knew what you were paying for. I was both shocked and impressed.
Stevie: Okay, but to be clear, you didn't stop it from happening?
David: Okay, Marcia Clark. Court's adjourned for the day.
Patrick: This is unbelievable. At no point was that ever discussed. All I did was leave an envelope full of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you. And now that I've said those words out loud, I can see how a certain kind of person would interpret that the wrong way.
Stevie: Okay, but was it good at least?
Patrick: Do not answer that. Was it? Don't.
Roland: Johnny, come on, just enjoy it. You're going to be gone soon, and you're gonna miss this place.
Johnny: I will be back, Roland. My son still loves here.
Roland: Well, I know there's that, but you are going to be gone gone soon. Something could fall from the ceiling and go oof I'm dead. Not me, though. I'm prepared.
David: What is that?
Alexis: Thank you, David, you look very expensive and gorgeous, too.
David: It's white, you're wearing a white dress.
Alexis: Duh, it's black and white themed. What was I supposed to show up in, pink?
David: Or black. You're wearing a wedding dress -- to my wedding!
Alexis: This is not a wedding dress, it's a white floral length gown. It's very different.
David: Did it come with a veil?
Alexis: No, it came with a head dress.
Alexis: It came with like a white, tool, head dress. But I thought that it overwhelmed the dress, so I decided not to wear it.
David: You're walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress. Everyone's going to think we're getting married to each other.