Scrubs Season 5 Episode 13: "My Five Stages" Quotes
J.D.: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Yeah newbie, what do ya got?
J.D.: That guy looks fantastic. What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes?
(To Mrs. Wilk) Would you love a virgin daiquiri? Its a...its a normal daiquiri. Ill just let him give it to you! (Gives glass to J.D.)
Dr. Cox
Dr. Kelso: Is that Ted and a bunch of damn bikers?
Janitor: Why do you hate bikes so much, sir?
(Flashback with Kelso's childhood and his father)
Kelso's Father: Son, daddy has to move on. I just want you to know that since the car is in your mother's name, I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever if it wasn't for your bike.
(Present Day)
Dr. Kelso: It's complicated.
Good morning loyal subjects! Enjoy your day in Janitoria. Labor until you tire, and then labor some more! Looks like rain. That could be a problem.
Janitor
Dr. Hedrick: Clearly I'm pushing some buttons here.
Dr. Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried, in fact I have no buttons - please think of me as buttonless. All smooth, like G.I. Joe's nether regions, and by the by, this image has been brought to you by my son Jack who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough that, leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools, which brings me back to you, the fool. I'm done suffering you so go now, go, go before you can write a book entitled 'Help A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass, colon, The Lester Hedrick Story'
Hedrick: That was a mouthful. Anyway, if you need to talk just give me a call.
Dr. Cox:He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.
(Dr. Cox and J.D. are holding onto the ceiling)
Dr. Cox: Pretty strong there, Newbie.
J.D.'s narration: (Yawns) I was not. But hopefully, the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was.
(They both fall and J.D.'s arms are still on the ceiling)
J.D.: Ow. (Takes arms)
Turk: (Pretending to be Keith) Hey, how you doing, Claire?
Elliot: Did you just call me Claire?
Keith: No I would never call you
(Elliot and Carla leave)
Keith: That didn't even sound like me.
Turk: I know. They hear what they want to hear.
(To Dr. Cox) Want me to bury you?
J.D.
Turk: Carla is down there telling Elliot to ignore you so she can regain the power.
Keith: I don't really care.
Turk: Well, you know, this isn't about you, Keith. This is about men everywhere who'd been abused and bullied by women. (Pause) This is about me.
Dr. Hedrick: Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr. Cox is going through?
Group: Anger.
Dr. Cox: You don't wanna see me angry.
J.D.: Nor do you wanna see me angry. (Imagines taking Hedrick's pencil and taking off the eraser with his mouth.) It's awful.
Carla: OK, I know how you can regain control of Keith.
Elliot: Carla, don't bother, booty call was for a while, but I am so sick of being this cold, emotionless bastard.
Dr. Cox: I never get sick and tired of that. It is awesome being that.
J.D.: We love it. (Puts arm on Dr. Cox's shoulder)
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: It's too much, I know.
Dr. Cox: (Entering room full with people) Ok, Lester! We are having this right here, right now! (Looks around) Oh, for the love of God, what is this? Some getting-in-touch-with-my-feelings-because-momma-didn't-love-me group?
J.D.: Yes, is that what is?
Dr. Hedrick: Actually...this is a support group for the terminally ill.
