You look like two different serial killers.

Erica [to Phil]

• Permalink: You look like two different serial killers.
• Added: April 17, 2016

Friggin' Mike.

Phil

• Permalink: Friggin' Mike.
• Added: April 17, 2016

No! You two are even now. You made him feel awful for missing your grandma's death. This is just a classic tit-for-tat situation. Your head's the tat and your grandma was the tit.

Carol

• Permalink: No! You two are even now. You made him feel awful for missing your grandma's death. This is...
• Added: April 17, 2016

He friggin' Smurfed me!

Phil

• Permalink: He friggin' Smurfed me!
• Added: April 17, 2016

So there I am, standing between Denzel Washington's legs, and I'm saying "Push, Denzel, push!" And Denzel pops out the most beautiful little Siamese twins, they are perfect. And then he says, "Sally" -- because he's calling me Sally for some reason -- he says, "Sally, you keep my attached babies. I got my movie career." And I have had that dream fifty times, and I do not know what it means.

Carol

• Permalink: So there I am, standing between Denzel Washington's legs, and I'm saying "Push, Denzel,...
• Added: April 17, 2016

Todd: Good evening.
Gail: What in the man of G-O-D?
Melissa: Looks like Hitler's mustache is sliding off your face.
Erica: Yeah, you look like a melon with a mold problem.
Gail: It looks like the floor of a barber shop took a dump on half your face.

• Permalink: It looks like the floor of a barber shop took a dump on half your face.
• Added: April 17, 2016

Todd: I can give 100% to every person on the face of the earth and still have 100% to give to you, Gail, and you, Melissa. Now, I know that adds up to be about 600%, but what can I say? Never been good at math. Just about the only thing I am good at is Todd. Anybody has any issues with that, there's the freakin' door. I mean, I'll get it for you. Well, thank you for listening.
Melissa: That was hot.

• Permalink: That was hot.
• Added: April 17, 2016