Two and a Half Men Season 8 Quotes
Jake: Bing Crosby. Black guy with a sweater who used to have a TV show.
Eldridge: No dumb ass, that was Will Smith.
Charlie: I think she punched my right nut into my ribcage.
Evelyn: Poor baby. Want me to take a look?
Charlie: No thanks.
Evelyn: I have seen them before. I'd imagine they're hanging a lot lower now.
Charlie: Right back at you mom.
Evelyn: Touche, darling.
Evelyn: Desperate?
Charlie: Like a gold fish in the leaky bag.
No coming clean. Unless you're banging Mr. Bubbles.
Charlie
Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.
Berta: End of era, huh charlie?
Charlie: Yep. From now on, no brother, no nephew. Just the sounds of the ocean punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.
Berta: You do know how to paint a picture
Charlie: What can I say, i have the heart of a poet.
Berta: Unfortunately the rest of you is a drunken scumbag
Charlie may be prickly and crusty on the outside, but inside he's all soft and gooey,.. kind of like a pudding-filled cactus.
Alan
Alan: It was just a one time thing. Actually a two time thing, once was in the shower.
Charlie: Well that is where you've been practicing.
Eldritch: There's something wrong here, are you sending us to military school?
Alan: No, why would you think that?
Jake: I dunno, 16 years of bargain pizza from Costco and vanilla wafers for dessert?
My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.
Charlie
Alan: Lindsey and I have decided to live together.
Jake: I dunno think Uncle Charlie's going to like that. He's never been real pleased you and I moved in.
Alan: Dammit, how do you get a guy to leave your house who doesn't want to go?
Berta: Tell him you missed your period and you're out of pot. It always worked for me.
