Venture Brothers
Sundays 11:30 PM on Cartoon NetworkVenture Brothers Season 1 Quotes
Monarch Henchman #3: Someone got him Brock Samson? Now I feel like a tool.
Monarch Henchman #4: What'd you get him?
Monarch Henchman #3: I made him coupons for one free washing of the Monarch Mobile and one free backrub.
Monarch Henchman #4: Aren't those your jobs anyway?
Monarch Henchman #3: Yeah, but... these are coupons
Dean: My... no-nos hurt!
Monarch: What the hell are "no-nos."
Dr. Venture: That's the super-adult term my teenage sons use to refer to their genitals. In public. In front of their father
Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?!? You can tell me - I'm hip!
Dr. Venture
Monarch: How do you think your father knew everything about it?
Hank: Because... he's a genius super-scientist?
Monarch: I like to dream too, Hank
Dr. Venture: You just won't stop, will you? You just keep pushing my buttons.
Monarch: You're my arch-enemy. That's what I do - it's my thing!
The Guild of Calamitous Intent - which incidentally I only joined to get the full dental and partial health package - has this pretty cut and dried. I have to kill him - those are my orders
The Monarch
Billy Quizboy: You should be good as new, maybe even better - I hooked you up with the "complete package," if you know what I mean.
Dean: I don't.
Brock: Take your time, Monarch, cause the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.
The Monarch: What are you, Obi-wan Kenobi?!? Look at you schmucks!
Dr. Venture: Hello, come in, Monarch. This is Dr. Thaddeus Venture. What is your status? Over.
Dr. Girlfriend: And who may I say is calling?
Dr. Venture: You know damn well who I am. I just said my name is Dr. Thaddeus Venture. Now put the Monarch on...
Dean: Hank, I had my pubes shaved! I'm going to put them under my pillow for the Tooth Fairy.
Hank: Did the doctor see that creepy dog-dork?
Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about his circumcision
Hank: I never met my grandfather. I never even met my mom.
The Monarch: Hank... what would you say if I told you that your mother was someone you've met before?
Hank: What?
The Monarch: And what if I told you that your father is not your real father? Hank... Hank! I am your real father!
Hank: No way. No way, that's not true!
The Monarch: Psych! Hahaha, you were all, "Oh, daddy, you're my daddy!" You are so gullible, what is that like?!
Henchman 24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
Henchman 21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!
Henchman 24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
Henchman 21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals